Go back to work or lose the cabin

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This article was published 09/09/2016 (3660 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The kids and I are back from the lake. We had a golden summer, but my husband just wrecked it. This morning over coffee he said this little speech, like he’d memorized it. “This summer was difficult for me financially. You are going to have to go back to work, at least half time, now that (our youngest) is in Grade 1 full time. I can’t support all of us anymore. It’s killing me.”

He then handed me a pile of unpaid bills and told me I needed to help with them or we would have to sell the cabin. I said, “Well, it’s easy to see what you did back in the city all summer — build up a big anger towards me!” Now we are barely talking. Please help.

— Mother Sent Back to Work, Winnipeg

Dear Mother Sent Back to Work: If a man has to memorize a speech to get out what’s bothering him, it’s bound to come out in a stilted manner. Don’t jeer at that. Make no mistake, your husband, the sole supporter of your family, is at the breaking point. How about trying to see it from his side? He gave you and the kids one last totally free summer at the lake, but at a great cost. He can’t even pay all the bills now. You need to help your mate, and that starts with a part or full-time job ASAP.

Did you leave a career? Would any of your past employers want to have you come back? It’s much easier for a former employer to rush through the hiring process when he or she knows your work. If there’s no work there, check out rival workplaces. Also, check with all your family, friends and their partners to see if they have any leads on jobs. There’s no time to lose. If you dig in and be a real partner, work-wise and financially, your husband will be less stressed and grateful, and your marriage will improve.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m married and I’m bored. At my work, I am having the opportunity to spend time with another man, and we travel together as part of our job. He has become a close friend because we spend so much time travelling and talking. At first I didn’t like him much, but now I understand exactly why he is the way he is, and really enjoy his company.

On the other hand, my husband is affectionate, sexual and fun-loving, but we never really talk. I just don’t feel that closeness to him anymore now the kids — our common interest — are out of the house. How can I get him to talk to me again? It bothers me that I feel closer to the man at work than I do to the man in my bed. I’m not in love with my workmate, but I feel like the man I live with is kind of a sexual roommate, not the close friend and focus of my life like he used to be. How can I change that?

— Longing For His Conversation, St. Vital

Dear Longing for his Conversation: The worst thing you can say is, “You need to talk to me more, so we’re going on a trip.” But getting your husband involved in close travelling situations with you, such as weekend road trips, going to concerts in Minneapolis or drives in the country on Sundays is part of the answer, just as it is with your workmate.

This fall you can also look for deals for a short sunspot holiday. You don’t have to go away for long, and you can go with another couple or two. There will still be lots of sights to see, but also initiate walks and talks on the beach and under the stars. Ask him some intriguing questions about life and the future of the world, his childhood memories and peak experiences in his life before he met you that he might not have told you about in the past.

If he talked before, you can get him talking again, especially in a relaxed situation on a trip together.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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