Joking about extra toe a big no-no

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This article was published 12/04/2017 (3395 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My latest boyfriend has an extra toe, which I think is hilarious. He doesn’t see the humour in it. If I had an extra nipple I wouldn’t think it was any kind of tragedy. I see the humour in everything, especially in myself. If we don’t laugh at his toe, what are we going to do — cry over it? Is this guy too sensitive for me? I am a lighthearted person and I refuse to see his toe as something we have to whisper about. The toe doesn’t turn me off, but his wimpy attitude kind of does.

— Funny Lady, Winnipeg

Dear Funny Lady: There’s a big difference between laughing at someone and laughing with someone. That’s especially true when it concerns your lover’s body. As a child, there were probably times when he was teased to the point of crying about his extra toe. Your best attitude would have been a casual acceptance and not giving it much attention at all, unless he brought it up. But it’s too late for that. You’ve been mocking his digit, and he’s not feeling good about it. You would be better to move on to someone who’s more like you and will tease you back about your body.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I came home from work one day last week feeling nauseated with the flu, and my wife was at home. She was wearing my suit and had her hair slicked back with some gel. She looked like a guy. She had some guy’s shoes on that weren’t mine — they fit her perfectly — and a tie loosely knotted because she couldn’t do it right. I asked from behind her: “Want me to fix that tie for you?” She turned around and started crying.

She had never told me she secretly dressed like a man. I couldn’t have been more shocked because she acts so feminine otherwise, although she is a large-framed woman about the same height as me. Her chest looked totally flat to me. It turned out she had a tight sports bra on to flatten her out. I asked her what it meant, and she said she liked to cross-dress sometimes. She said it was nothing more than that.

I asked if she went out like that and she told me she only did it in other cities. No wonder she likes to travel so much for work. I never go with her because she says it’s not a vacation. My head was swimming. I asked: “Do you have sex with people dressed like this?” and she said, “No! I wouldn’t cheat on you. I love you.” I felt really sick by this time and went and threw up. She thought it was because of her and started crying really hard. It was a terrible scene.

She took off my clothes and went for a walk for three hours. We’re hardly speaking because I don’t know what to say. Please help.

— Messed-Up Husband. St. Vital

Dear Messed-Up Husband: Now the truth is out, you must talk about what the situation really is. What is her real internal life like? Does she just like to cross-dress or does she want to change sexes and become a man? Is she in a place where she doesn’t even know what she wants herself? How long has she felt this way? Does she cross-dress alone or with other people she knows who are also doing it?

There is no point in trying to shame her out of it, or even talk her out of it logically — it’s how she feels, and she wouldn’t be choosing something that difficult if she didn’t need to. And she’s been doing it for a long time.

Since a conversation on this is not happening on its own, ask for counselling help from someone suggested by the Rainbow Centre at 204-474-0212, which serves the gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender and two-spirit communities.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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