Establish code words for swingers’ retreat at cabin

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This article was published 25/06/2017 (3334 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My partner and I, and some other couples, have been invited to the cabin of some friends of ours who are swingers. They are a small, wealthy elite group and decided to offer us a special invitation, probably because we’re sexy-looking health-conscious people (if I do say so myself) and my wife has been part of a scene like this before. I’m a newbie.

My wife married me to settle down and probably because I have amassed a lot of money and like to lavish it on her. I love her madly and I believe she loves me, in her way, but she has this history of swinging and got a kick out of it in the past. Our marriage has been getting a bit boring over the last year or two. I can feel her restlessness.

I don’t want to lose her and, to be totally honest, one of the women in this group of couples has been giving me the eye at the place where I work out, so I’m curious about her. But how do I manage to do this and keep my marriage good with my wife? She’s all I have, as we don’t want to have an children or pets. Careers are our passion.

— Nervous Newbie Swinger, Winnipeg

Dear Nervous Newbie Swinger: People who get together to party and have sex with other peoples’ partners seriously need an etiquette book, as it’s so easy to hurt another’s feelings. You especially don’t want to hurt your wife’s feelings out of this and you don’t want to be hurt by her behaviour. It makes sense to talk about this and learn what she knows about controlling things. At least, settle on some code words for a quick “Rescue me!” or “‘Get me away from this particular person,” or “I’m feeling jealous of who you’re with,” or “Let’s go home now,” or “We need to talk privately on the deck.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m deeply upset over my new neighbour’s yard. It used to be beautiful and the horticulturist who lived there before — my best friend who had the most gorgeous garden — died in the winter and her stupid son sold off her house.

He obviously didn’t ask prospective buyers if they would keep up all the stunning exotic flowers she worked years to combine in different hues, shapes and blooming times, and they are all shrivelling up and dying a horrible death on the other side of the fence that divides us. The owners are so uninterested they’ve done nothing since they moved in.

Finally, I went over and told them it was a crying shame the way they were neglecting my best friend’s garden and the man told me to mind my own business and get off his steps. I just went home and cried my heart out. All of those flowers had beautiful lives and many proud generations had produced new and beautiful flowers; blossom after blossom in three seasons, and now they are dying off. I can see it all happening before my very eyes! I’m considering using my hose to water those plants over my fence to save them.

— Witnessing Their Deaths, St. Vital

Dear Witnessing Their Deaths: Hold that hose! There’s nothing you can do about a neighbour’s gardening neglect, even if you are an enthusiastic horticulturist. Actually watching the demise of your dear friend’s garden is part the problem for you. You can block the sight with a clothes line and some pretty outdoor rugs hanging on it all summer. Or, you could put up a gazebo with a back wall on their side.

But the most beautiful thing you could do in your friend’s honour is try to recreate the garden she had in your yard. But be smart about it. Start with quick-fix pyramidal cedars or tall hollyhocks up the fence you share. Cosmos will grow waist-high by the end of summer. So just give up on this fight with your neighbours today, make plans to bring things to life yourself and plant your own little paradise. Play music in your yard as you work and you won’t hear that jerk’s voice next door.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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