Man wants to live life as a bachelor forever

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This article was published 27/08/2017 (3276 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When is it OK to remain firmly a bachelor? I’m 51 years old. I’m divorced and have a daughter. Looking back on my life, I’ve had the pleasure of enjoying the company, love, trust and companionship of a lot of women from 30 to 55, all very enjoyable but just not “there.” Mine is a story of love lost and a threshold set too high.

I realize my first love at 21 was the strongest and most fateful. Since that time, I’ve not been able to enter that balanced and energetic feeling and that calmness, the feeling that everything in the world is just right, a kind of bliss.

I’ve always been respectful, honest and energetic in my relationships. I’m outgoing, try to stay in shape and have a great job. I’m loyal and enjoy a social setting.

I’ve tried online dating with horrible outcomes, and find now I am just resigning myself to being alone. I have done a series of one-nighters and find no satisfaction in them.

Is there something I can do to change that, or is this just me?

— Bachelor for Life? Winnipeg

Dear Bachelor for Life: Something important is missing from your letter: you sent a list of your virtues and none of the negative points.

Why has your online dating provided horrible outcomes? Why have you had a series of one-nighters? And why did you and your perfect love at age 21 break up instead of extending the bliss into marriage? And where is she now? In this world, there’s always a chance someone who was married is single again.

Here’s something to consider: usually, when a person is set up nicely with career, money, friends and a social life that’s varied but going nowhere, there’s a hidden payback for staying single. What is your highest value? Is it total freedom? Unfettered travel? Fear of divorce and losing another portion of your money? What have you been criticized for in your relationships?

Write back with this info, and then we can really dig into the problem.

Dear Readers: This letter arrived in response to Wincing When She Laughs, the man whose girlfriend “laughs like a hyena” after everything she says, especially when she’s nervous. I suggested a vocal coach or speech therapist to help her stop. One reader had some additional ideas:

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have several friends who have a nervous laugh, and it really can get quite annoying. I’ve since found out that some people develop a nervous laugh as a coping mechanism. As a friend, we need to realize the reason behind the nervous laugh.

A helpful comment would be something along the lines of, “Do you know that I can always tell when you are even the slightest bit nervous?” Then let them try to figure out why. If they can’t, tell them they laugh after almost every sentence. This is simply a fact and not an accusation.

It’s important to emphasize that you simply want your friend to be able to be relaxed and self-confident. If they think they already are, tell them you are going to play a five-minute game that is simply having a regular conversation. After every sentence, make yourself laugh. You will be amazed at how long five minutes is. This should help them hear what they sound like to others. Don’t say you find it annoying, but that it makes it difficult to understand what they are really trying to convey.

What the laughter is really conveying in most cases is that they are asking for acceptance. If you feel your friendship is healthy enough, you can suggest nervous laughter makes people listening feel uncomfortable. Check out this website: andreaholland.net/blog/nervouslaugh.

— Be Caring, Be Honest, Winnipeg

Dear Be Caring, Be Honest: The website you suggested is quite helpful, but the idea of imitating your friend’s annoying laughing habit could get you busted in the chops. It could be perceived as mockery.

One thing that also needs to be emphasized is people who have had a nervous period that went away with a gain in confidence got into the habit of nervous laughing and couldn’t/didn’t stop. They ha-ha-ha in all encounters still, even close, relaxed relationships.

Because friends are loathe to tell nervous laughters they’re doing it, and it’s driving them crazy, they may just distance themselves instead. It’s actually kinder to take the chance of telling a friend about the nervous laughter habit, but you may lose that friendship because now you’ve made them feel self-conscious and nervous, and they feel the need to laugh after every sentence again.

You take a chance, knowing you may lose this pal.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts

c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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