Kids and work causing havoc with sex life

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This article was published 30/08/2017 (2975 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been married to my husband for three years and we have two children under three years old. Our relationship since having kids together has changed drastically. Our sex life is a constant source of tension. My libido has returned to normal, but his has almost completely disappeared. My advances are almost always rejected and I come away feeling hurt, confused and undesired. When I tell him how I feel, he tells me he’s just too drained from work and the kids. Even his desire for physical contact has diminished.

This wasn’t what I expected our first years of marriage to be like and I can’t see myself getting accustomed to this level of intimacy, long-term.

— Feeling Not So Sexy, Winnipeg

Dear Feeling Not So Sexy: Two kids under three years old may have him feeling terrified of a third pregnancy. He’s feeling exhausted and overwhelmed. Have you told him you want more children in the future? Maybe he needs to be reassured he won’t be getting you pregnant again for a long time, or perhaps ever.

Sex needs to be free of fear for most men, or they have trouble becoming aroused. In his mind, affectionate touching with you leads to sexy touching, which leads to sex and ultimately leads to gambling on a third pregnancy. The rejection might not be about you personally at all. He may feel you’re desirable and is trying to keep away.

Or he may really be too physically and mentally tired from work. So talk to him about his job in detail. Let him unburden. Is his job stressful? Is he working to support you all? Is he working longer hours than normal or taking on additional projects? Does he have a second job? Work burnout can drain the fun out of anyone. Maybe you need to help bring in some money.

Or look at the F factor — the fun factor. Has it gone away too? Is it all about looking after family now? Would your parents consider visiting and babysitting once a week so you can go out for a night? I’m not suggesting sex dates, but just fun dates, though not sitting in front of a movie screen.

Sex is like an investment. The more fun and enjoyment of each other you put in beyond the bedroom, the more dividends in friendship and sexy feelings come back. The tension goes down and the happiness comes up. If all both of you are putting into this relationship is work, baby care, housework, yardwork and shopping, there won’t be much in the way of dividends coming back.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a funny new guy at my work a month ago. He makes me laugh. I’m starting to find him very attractive. Although it’s a large office, the big boss frowns on us having romances. I don’t know where he gets off. He married his boss — a woman 10 years older than him — but she has retired now, leaving him in charge. I’d like to make a play for this hilarious guy before someone else does. I don’t especially like this job, but I don’t think they can fire me for getting together with this guy. Why am I so scared?

— Looking At Him Right Now, Transcona

Dear Looking At Him Right Now: Romances happen all over workplaces and management knows it. Really, it’s more about how you handle it. If you’re out in the parking lot getting it on, it becomes uncomfortable for people. If you drive to work and home in your own vehicles and have a private life dating and mating with each other, who really cares?

But if you indulge in pillow talk in the office or repeat things you’ve heard about issues or new developments in your lover’s department, then you’re looking for trouble. The trick is to treat it discreetly — like it is a secret — even if most people know about it. Then it can often work quite well.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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