Brother’s spending on porn fetish his own business

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/09/2017 (2973 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Whenever we travel together, my brother never takes his laptop. Instead he uses mine to check his work email, Facebook and Messenger accounts.

Recently, on a family vacation, I went to use my computer and he hadn’t logged off. I didn’t intend to look, but the pop-up message was sexually explicit.

There were online conversations with young men overseas — mostly gay porn stories with photos and flirting back and forth. What I found most disturbing was the discovery that he is sending money every month to one of these men for the delivery of porn stories and women’s lingerie.

Every financial bone in my body is on high alert. Our family was raised to be very practical and looking at the transactions, we estimate that he spends 15-20 per cent of his annual salary on this stuff.

We are all close to retirement — comfortable, but not wealthy. We talk about the cost of living, the increasing service cuts and the best ways to optimize our pensions.

My brother has always been alone and in poor health. He wants to work longer rather than going on disability because he worries about money.

We love him dearly and would never judge him on his sexual preferences but we are confused, as he is not a naive man when it comes to financial matters.

My siblings and I are unsure if we should bring the subject up with him, as we risk alienation along with the inevitable embarrassment it would cause him.

What is the best way to handle this? We want to steer him back to the prudent financial management sense he has always had without damaging the wonderful relationship we have. — Dumbfounded, Winnipeg

Dear Dumbfounded: What is it worth to you to lose the relationship with your brother, perhaps completely? You may save him 20 per cent of his salary, but lose him from your life.

Most likely, he will tell the entire family group —  since you shared the details with all his siblings — that you invaded his privacy in a shocking way, now know all his romantic and sexual secrets and his cross-dressing budget.

Likely, you will lose a good part of that “wonderful” relationship with your brother, if not all of it. And here’s the kicker: he’ll continue to do whatever he wants to do with his own money.

If you say anything, you will achieve nothing good financially and bring on a whole load of heartache for yourself, for your brother and for your siblings.

You say he has always had good money knowledge, which means he has made these spending choices with his eyes open. Time for all of you to mind your own business.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for Lucky to Have My Sister Back (the woman whose sister survived a serious suicide attempt, spurred by her husband’s verbal and sexual abuse).

Could we please stop using animal names as derogatory terms for humans? In the letter, she refers to her sister’s ex as a “dog” and then goes on to describe him as being the polar opposite of what we love most in our canine companions. She also called him a “pig.”

The animals are not deserving of such slander and he is not worthy of the comparison. — Speaking Up for Those Who Can’t, Winnipeg

Dear Speaking Up for Those Who Can’t: While I understand you love and respect animals, I couldn’t substitute the original letter writer’s insulting words with my own. She used the words “dog” and “pig” with regards to the abuser of her sister.

I immediately thought of far worse words, which could not appear in a family newspaper.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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