Relationship stuck at American border

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/12/2017 (3220 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a woman online who has become way too important to me. She has kids and lives in the U.S., and I am a widower, with kids, who lives in Canada. I really want her. I’ve been down to visit her for a week at a time and she’s been up here twice. My job requires that I be here in Winnipeg. Her job is transferable, but her good-for-not-much ex-husband is there.

He’s good to the teenage girls, but that’s it. I really don’t know what we’re supposed to do with this mess. I love my American sweetheart deeply and she loves me, but we are stuck in two different countries. We tried to break up, but couldn’t. Now Christmas is coming, and I want to spend it with her and all our kids. You can see how bad this situation is. Do you have any ideas?

— Miserable at Christmas, Winnipeg

Dear Miserable at Christmas: First, don’t break up because you don’t know what to do. Since you both care deeply about each other, a snap decision to split would be a wrong decision. Keep your walls down, enjoy the season and let her do the same. There’s nothing wrong with walking in place for a time. You’re already both emotionally involved, so it would be painful and needless to wrench yourselves apart at this time.

Other people have been in this position — literally thousands, since so many online meetings have morphed into serious relationships. Rather than torture yourselves over a decision now, give it a year or so to really get to know each other. Visit back and forth as much as possible.

Take holidays together and get to know each others’ families, including the entire extended families.

If it’s meant to be and both of you keep looking for ways to be together, and other people in the family are looking, too, a way to live together will appear, though not as quickly as you would like it to.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Our office of about 150 staff has a thief. It’s been happening for some time and we are at a loss as to what, if anything, we can do about it. Lunches, MP3 players, headsets, even the dish detergent (nine bottles), have gone missing.

Who could be so desperate they have to steal a co-worker’s food and dish soap?

We all make a decent salary here. We are members of the public service, not that it should make a difference. It’s very unnerving, as no one knows who will be the next victim. We know it’s an inside job because the thefts have all occurred in secure areas where the public does not have access. Management is aware of the situation. How do we catch these sticky hands and bring back the security we had?

— Downtown Worker Bees, Winnipeg

Dear Downtown Worker Bees: Are there no security cameras in your office? Could the thief be part of the security team?

It seems someone hired from the outside should be brought in to find the person making everyone feel insecure and vulnerable. Calling a general staff meeting will just make the thief go further underground and be more careful. The stolen goods seem to indicate a younger person, but anybody with a good salary can be hard up and not making ends meet.

Nine bottles of dish detergent doesn’t seem like something someone would steal to sell.

Of course, there are people who simply have a compulsion to steal and don’t even need the goods, or the money they would bring in. This inside job needs external input and help ASAP.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m getting tired of reading (not your problem) about people who are unhappy with their sex lives with their spouses. What if suddenly you couldn’t have sex due to injury, medication or surgery? You promised “for better or worse,” but (guaranteed) sex was not part of that program. I am sorry.

— Annoyed, Winnipeg

Dear Annoyed: It sounds to these ears like this is personal and you or your spouse can no longer have sex anymore for some reason.

Let’s ask the readers who have found themselves in a no-more-sex marriage for the reasons they stopped making love, and any remedies that worked to rekindle their sexual relationship. It’s surprising how many married couples stopped making love a long time ago.

Experts say 10 per cent is the approximate number who have quit altogether, and 20 per cent say they have sex a couple times a year.

Your attitude seems to be, “Too bad, you made your marriage bed, now lie in it.” This is no longer the modern attitude, so the person who is still sexually alive, interested and capable, sometimes opens a side door on the marriage. They didn’t know when they married the person that warm and sexual was not a promise their partner could give with 100 per cent certainty.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My serious boyfriend (I may get an engagement ring in a few weeks) wants to take me to the Caribbean for Christmas, but I don’t want to leave my parents, six brothers and sisters and all of their kids. He doesn’t understand because he doesn’t have a big family.

I know he would love it if he stayed and enjoyed our family at Christmas. For him, Christmas has been a lonely time. How do I persuade him to give us a chance?

We live on a large farm with a big house and a heated guest house beside a pond we could stay in, and we do stuff like go tobogganing and carolling and have sleigh rides. He’s afraid he’ll be the odd man out, but people will embrace him warmly because he’s so much fun. For years he’s escaped to the Caribbean, his safe place. Please help! — Love a Snowy Christmas, St. Vital

Dear Love a Snowy Christmas: Do both! Spend a few days at the farm in the snow and then a week or so in Caribbean. You could easily leave on Dec. 26 or 27. Why not try to please each other as a sign of how you will think of each other when you get married?

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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