Wedding plans threaten mother-daughter relationship

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This article was published 09/06/2018 (2685 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Our daughter is getting married next year and we have wedding problems.

My husband has been divorced from his first wife for many years (I did not cause the breakup.) He had two children with her, now in their 40s — and we have two children in their late 20s and early 30s. I get along really well with my stepchildren.

Unfortunately, we have to be in the ex-wife’s company once in a while, due to family birthdays, etc. We are cordial to her, for my stepchildren’s sake.

The ex-wife has caused nothing but hurt to her own children and to my husband and his family. She’s a manipulative, vindictive person when crossed or if she doesn’t get her way.

She has never done or said anything bad to our children as she has no cause. In fact, she has been extremely sweet to them, especially now that our daughter is getting married. She acts like she’s my daughter’s best friend and the honey just oozes out of her.

Well, lo and behold, our daughter informed us she’s inviting her to the wedding!

Neither my husband nor I want her there, and we feel totally upset that our feelings have not been taken into consideration. My stepdaughter doesn’t care if her mother is invited or not.

We are insulted by the complete disregard for our feelings. In fact we had a huge fight over this, and my daughter used a few choice words with me when my husband was not present.

I’m sick at heart. This is supposed to be a joyous occasion for our entire family.

I can’t believe our daughter would behave in such a vile way to us over a person who is nothing or means nothing to her.

We have offered to sit down with her and her fiancé and explain why we feel as we do.

He knows nothing about our family history. What do we do? — Heartbroken, Manitoba

Dear Heartbroken: Stop! You are behaving as if this is your wedding, not your daughter’s. Take a big step back before you do any more harm.

What happened to being cordial with your husband’s ex-wife? You have already caused a huge upset with the bride and nasty words and hurt feelings have been the result. So far, you are the one ruining the wedding, and your relationship with your daughter in the process.

It is your daughter’s day, and she can invite who she wants. Do you want to be included at all in the planning? Look at what is working for the ex-wife. Sugary sweetness, even if it’s clearly fake to you. Stop doing more of what doesn’t work, apologize to your daughter, and get out of the way for a bit and let this cool down.

This marriage is one year away. You could afford to go on holiday, leave some money for deposits, and let your daughter arrange her own wedding the way she wants.

The guest list is hers to make and she should invite only a few of your best friends. It is not payback time for all the couples who have invited you to their kids’ weddings. In fact, a lot of older people are tired of going to weddings outside their own families. Make sure you apologize today, so the couple doesn’t just throw up their hands and elope.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I love going to the horse races and so does my best buddy. I am a man and she is a woman. Big deal. We are not sexually interested in each other at all.

My wife and her husband know this. Unfortunately a few gossipy people at the track don’t get it and have been spreading rumours that got back to our two mates.

My wife got a phone call from a female racing acquaintance that embarrassed her so much she doesn’t want me going back to the races with my old buddy.

We are very lucky together and have a long history of riding and horses.

Now what?

If I ask my wife to accompany us, she will feel like babysitting to shut up the gossips. — Hurt By Gossips, St. James

Dear Hurt by Gossips: Don’t kowtow to them. Go back to the races with your buddy and approach the woman you know who gossiped to your wife.

Walk up and introduce your friend, with a focus on the word FRIEND and ask the gossip why she was phoning your wife with untrue information that the two of you were having an affair. 

Ask her why she would do something like that and wait for an answer. Remind her there are laws against spreading lies which could ruin a person’s life.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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