Wives swat down plan of swapping bedrooms

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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My buddy and I came up with what we thought was a funny idea when we were out drinking whiskey after work. He suggested swapping wives. But then, over another drink, we thought: our wives are best friends, wear their hair the same, like the same style of clothes, and almost think and talk alike. My buddy and I are a lot alike too — old-fashioned, blue-collar guys who wear jeans, T-shirts and ball caps 24-7. My buddy says, “We should ask them. What’s the difference? We’re all friends. Could be interesting!”

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Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/09/2018 (2944 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My buddy and I came up with what we thought was a funny idea when we were out drinking whiskey after work. He suggested swapping wives. But then, over another drink, we thought: our wives are best friends, wear their hair the same, like the same style of clothes, and almost think and talk alike. My buddy and I are a lot alike too — old-fashioned, blue-collar guys who wear jeans, T-shirts and ball caps 24-7. My buddy says, “We should ask them. What’s the difference? We’re all friends. Could be interesting!”

We’re not kinky enough to think it’d be wild to all sleep together, but we all like each other and get along so well. So, why not do something silly together? My buddy and I made a pact to put this idea to our wives as soon as we drove home. I admit, we were both bombed when we left.

Anyway, my wife listened to my idea, slapped my face on both sides, and asked me if I’d been doing drugs as well. She asked me if I thought her friend was prettier and how long I had wanted to sleep with her. She said a lot of other words a nice girl shouldn’t know how to say. She threw me a blanket and locked our bedroom door. She must have gotten on her cellphone immediately because my buddy called me, and he was out in his truck, not allowed back in the house.

Both of us have apologized for this stupid drunken idea over and over, but now my wife doesn’t even want to sleep with me, let alone have sex with me. My buddy’s wife isn’t as mean, but we’re no longer going to be doing any socializing as a foursome, says my wife.

The two women have stayed friends, and that’s all that’s allowed. I’m not supposed to see my buddy anymore. To hell with that noise! It was just a stupid idea cooked up when we were drunk. What is the big deal? Do women have no sense of humour? I keep saying to him, the punishment does not fit this crime. What should I do to get my wife talking to me again and let me back in the bedroom? 

— Screwed Up, West End

 

Dear Screwed Up: You need to show you actually understand the seriousness of what you did. Face the truth: it wasn’t really a joke if you could have gotten the women to go along with it. And, you should know there is no worse woman to go after than your wife’s best friend — a world of hurt will follow. Had you sobered up before driving home drunk (you could have killed someone), you probably wouldn’t have been foolish enough to put the question to your wife. You and your fool of a friend shouldn’t have a licence for your cars or your mouths.

Both women now think you two have been plotting this wife swap for who knows how long, looking to try something kinky because you’re bored with them.

Look, your wives are not prostitutes. There are deep friendships and emotions attached to the four people involved here and your wives have been deeply hurt and disgusted by your actions. Do you want to work things out? Offer to pay for as much marriage counselling as it takes.

 

Miss Lonelyhearts

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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