Stop stressing over jerk ex and move on

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/09/2018 (2927 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I sat beside this woman on a plane out of Winnipeg recently, and we started talking. We joked about how we might be related, given how everybody knows each other through someone in this city.

Well, it turned out we are! We were both married to the same useless man in our 20s, though the marriages were six years apart. Neither of us was the “other woman,” so we were comfortable sharing our complaints. 

It was a long — and revealing — plane ride. This guy was a considerate, passionate lover at the start, but within a year of exchanging wedding vows, he would rather watch TV than have sex with me.

The other woman and me had the same complaint: if we wanted to pull him away from the TV and into the bedroom, we had to do all the work while he just laid there. 

Neither one of us wanted children with him after a year of his ignorant attitude. He thought he’d done us both a big favour by “making it legal.”

Not that he had any money to speak of — he could never keep a job. I always wondered if I had done anything wrong to make him lose interest in me so fast, and so did his second wife.

Later in the conversation, we discovered something else we had in common. After we divorced him, he would call us up drunk and ask if we’d “like a little tumble.” I’d swear at him and slam down the receiver.

What a joke. He’s been married and divorced three times. He’s 45 and has no kids of his own. The two of us women have great husbands and kids the second time around.

The only thing both of us can’t understand is why he stopped wanting to make love after we got married and threw away the birth control.

— First Two Wives, Winnipeg

Dear First Two: Some men shift into neutral after having won the race, and paid for their wives with a marriage. Others don’t want to make any babies, subconsciously or consciously.

You’ll note this guy hasn’t had any children. You should also know some guys sneak in a vasectomy between wives when they don’t feel they have to ask anybody’s permission.

Other spouses are just lazy about married sex, and this doesn’t just apply to men. Lots of women don’t give a fig about making an effort after they get married.

Some people see their roles change when they get married, going from lovers who want to impress and please each other, to complacent partners content to sit on the couch and fight over the remote control.

Luckily, it doesn’t matter now — you both traded up for a better model and you’re happy.

Don’t waste any more brain cells wondering about this guy, and who was at fault.

He’s the common denominator in three divorces now, and you are both happily married.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m having trouble with my boss. He is too good to me and people wonder why. I need to tell him not to be so nice, but I don’t want to end up being in his bad books, either.

I am young, and he treats me like a princess, not a regular staffer. Other people notice the favouritism and think bad things about me.

He gives me some very big projects because I am smarter and more up-to-date with technology than many older people here. So, it’s getting tense. Should I look for a new job? I love my work here. 

— Youngest in the Office, Downtown

Dear Youngest: Being the favourite at work is a hard role.

You might tell your boss people are talking about you and seem to think he’s playing favourites.

He may not even realize what he’s doing.

Obviously, you’re capable of doing the big jobs.

Tell him you want to keep on getting stimulating and challenging projects, but other people are wanting to get a share, too. Say it in a nice way, and it may work out.

If it doesn’t work out, and he’s angry, it’s time to quietly make a move.

You’re young and talented and can start looking for a position in another workplace that offers even more challenging work.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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