No love left to give for reformed hubby

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/09/2018 (2930 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband was a wretched, mean, drunken intellectual, but now he has quit drinking. He claims he’s the same man I met and fell in love with. He expects the reward of my deep love and sexual intimacy now that he’s sober. However, he was so hard on me in his drinking years that I have grown cold to him and his advances. I can be his friend, but sex is out of the question.

Yesterday, he asked me why I stuck by him and I told him the truth — for the money to raise the kids. I said, “You were never cruel to them, only me.” He saved his mean, cutting words for me in private, and called me every name in the book and often made me cry myself to sleep. My mother left my father because of his drinking and we grew up poor. I didn’t want that for my children, so I took the (mostly hidden) verbal abuse.

Now, I have a job again, and I wonder if it’s the time to cut myself loose. The kids are grown-up with educations and are starting on their careers. My husband is begging for total forgiveness. It is just not there to give.

I am working for a big company, but my job doesn’t pay a lot, like his does. What do you think?

— Wanting To Leave, Winnipeg

Dear Wanting To Leave: You know what you want, so yes, set yourself free from him and the big money. Say goodbye to the coldness in your life and enjoy your freedom to grow in a way that you want. Don’t feel guilty. You did your time.

Set your husband free and he can find someone who will love the sober man he has become.

If your husband says he may start drinking again if you leave him, tell him that’s his choice. You must live your life in peace, and that means not being shackled to him and all those bad memories.

Arrange for some counselling to help you through the transition. You might want specialized counselling for the family of alcoholics, and then some generalized counselling. Check your workplace for their group insurance policies.

And then, there’s your kids. You think your kids don’t know what you have been through, but it’s highly unlikely they didn’t overhear any fights and don’t know about your tears and your pain. They will need counselling help, too. They haven’t seen love and affection between you and your husband. They need to work through that serious problem, which will affect their love lives.

With any luck, and some good counselling, you may have a great life as a single person, or you may meet a fine new partner and create a truly warm and loving relationship together. And, if your kids get some help, they may find good, healthy relationships too.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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