Dump the cheaters, explore your attraction to them

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/10/2018 (2912 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My heart feels like it just went though the spin cycle on a washing machine. I went on holiday and came home to find my best friend had been getting it on with my boyfriend, at her house. I was away on a long-distance hiking holiday. I knew he was angry and hurt when I left, but he’s not a good hiker, so no point in taking him. I was gone and that sneaky (witch) knew he was very upset!

She’s always had a crush on him, asking a lot of questions about how he reacts to things I say, and how he makes love, stuff that’s none of her business. I used to answer her questions until I realized, after almost a year, she was way too snoopy and had never stopped wanting the weekend play-by-plays. Also, she had no boyfriend of her own.

I got lonely on my holiday and came home a couple of days early to discover he and his cellphone were living elsewhere. Instinctively, I knew where. A lot of his clothes were gone, and there was nothing in the fridge. She is a great cook and he loves the food she brings over to our place. She’s also good looking in a fast and loose kind of way. So, I followed the guess he’d gotten the invitation to move in and let her “cook” for him while I was away.

I phoned him, and of course he didn’t know I was at home yet. I asked him to look out the front window and tell me about this tree we have, and he pretended to do that. I said “Well, that’s funny, because I am in the living room at home, and I don’t see you here!” I heard him gasp. Caught!

He came running home and has been begging to stay. I told him he could stay, but we would now have an open relationship and I could see my old boyfriend whenever I want. His mouth dropped open. He knows my old boyfriend can’t stay true, either. Miss L., do you think it’s impossible for any man to stay true past the first year? I think that is reality.

— Finally Accepting Reality, Wolseley

Dear Accepting: If the world were composed of two men, then your study of cheating men would yield these results — 100 per cent of men cheat. But the world is composed of billions of men. Your study of two men doesn’t hold any water. What it does show is that you can pick a cheater, consciously or subconsciously, and are willing to stay with one. No, make that two!

You need to go for some counselling and find out why you do things such as share intimate play-by-play details of your sex life with another woman or go on holidays without your guy. And, most importantly, why would you suggest staying with this cheater so you can go hang out with another cheater whenever you want to?

Most healthy women would punt the cheaters. You collect them. That means you’re getting something out of these situations yourself. A talk with a counsellor will help you identify what that is. What’s in it for you to spend your life with cheaters? Why can’t you believe there are good men out there?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was raking leaves in my backyard when a new neighbour came over to talk. He asked if I remembered him, and I drew a blank. He said, “I was the nerdy guy in Grade 9 who was madly in love with you, who followed you around like a puppy, and you wouldn’t even give me the time of day.”

He told me his name and I remembered the boy. He was nothing like this tall handsome man with perfect teeth and the teasing smile. In further conversation, it came out he’s now a doctor and has a wife and young family. He asked about my life. I married a guy out of high school, whose dad had big money. My husband barely worked a day in his life and hung out at the office drinking with daddy. We have long since split.

This new neighbour was getting too big a kick out of meeting me with the situations reversed. Now he’s the winner and I feel like the loser. Why wasn’t he like this when we were in class together? It’s the same person, after all.

— Life is Not Fair, S. Winnipeg

Dear Life: Boys mature later than girls do, sometimes by as much as two years. They are so busy trying to catch up to their bodies that they barely have time to find jeans that still fit in the morning. They are sprouting body hair and their hormones are jangling and their voices are changing.

It’s not easy to be a cool guy in Grade 9. Most guys aren’t, but eventually they grow into their bodies and new voices and new feelings, and everything comes out just fine. Girls who are quick to reject the boys in junior high and high school are often surprised when they meet up again years later, as you did.

Try to laugh at yourself. We were all dopey in different ways in those days.

Be a pleasant neighbour, and don’t spend any more time on regrets, always remembering, “that was then and this is now.”

Things can change in a good way as we get used to each new phase of our lives. Someday, you may have a great new mate, and this uncomfortable reunion will matter not one bit.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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