Mom’s old lover deserves thanks

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/10/2018 (2913 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A man befriended my mother and all us kids while our dad was away working, often for many months at a time.

He wouldn’t come around when dad was home. We didn’t know he was more than a friend to our mother at the time, or that he sometimes bought our groceries and also paid the rent if mom couldn’t. This story has come out through the aunties in very recent years.

Finally, my dad came back to stay for good, and this other man disappeared from our lives. He would have been in his late 20s at the time.

Now I have seen him again! In fact, I see him quite a lot because we both shop at the same grocery store now.

He’s in his 50s, but I wouldn’t mistake his face, though his hair is grey. He doesn’t seem to know me.

That man was nothing but good to us kids, while our father, when he’d come home for a length of time, was often absent or drinking.

Dad was sometimes nice and sometimes mean.

I’d like to identify myself to this man in the store, who was probably my mother’s lover. I’m older now, and don’t care about that at this point. I’m not sure if I should introduce myself or not.

Are we both playing a game? Does he recognize me? If so, is he hiding it? What do you think?

— Wanting To Say Hello, Winnipeg

Dear Wanting: We only live once, and this is truly a life adventure. Don’t turn your back on it.

Why not say hello and thank this man for his kindness to you kids when you were young?

Tell him, if you like, that you heard from the aunties about the real nature of the relationship between him and your mother. Tell him you’re not shocked and that you did not get consistent loving care from your father.

Just listen to what he has to say. It sounds like he truly cared about you kids and your mother, but it was not meant to be more than an affair.

You may feel that your experience was very weird, but it was actually a common occurrence during long wars when men went away for long periods of time.

Sometimes, they’d come back to a baby that they didn’t father and just looked the other way. Sometimes, the woman would come upon passionate letters to her husband from a woman in another country and not mention them.

Sometimes, life is tougher and lonelier than a young person can ever fathom.

Maybe your dad didn’t know how your mother and you kids lived without enough money for food and rent when he was away and in and out of work. Maybe he looked the other way and didn’t ask who helped them. Maybe he had a woman at the other end of the line, who took him in when he was broke and alone.

Who knows?

We can sometimes benefit by opening our minds to difficult situations where people really hurt and find temporary solutions with other “friends.”

By the way, you are assuming the aunties knew the truth. You don’t know that for sure.

This man may have been just a good friend who rescued a needy family experiencing difficult times. No matter the situation, what harm is there in saying hello and thank you? He’s probably being polite and letting you make the first move.

Consider making that move the next time you see him.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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