Apology not enough after alcoholic tirade

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This article was published 14/01/2019 (2488 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I feel wretched. I’m terribly sorry for the nasty things I said to my daughter when she visited from Alberta over the holidays. She’s 26 and didn’t come home all night — just like in high school when she hung out with a bad bunch and was all too free with her body.

Now that I’ve cooled off, I hear from her sister she plans to never speak to me again. This is heartbreaking for me as a mother. I know I should not have criticized her lifestyle after I’d been drinking. I called her a “tramp” and worse names.

With tears in her eyes, she yelled that I was “a pathetic drunk.” It got terribly silent as she packed, got in her car, and drove back to Alberta. How do we ever recover from this?

— Hurting Mother, Winnipeg

Dear Hurting Mother: You’re not the only one who’s hurting, even if your daughter has gone stone cold inside for the time being. You’ll need to quit drinking if she’s to trust the mean mouth that goes with that version of you.

You need to know it’s not just the effect of the liquor she can’t trust, but the part of your brain that would judge her. Not every alcoholic has a cruel mouth and would call their daughter nasty words for “prostitute.”

The disrespect and the vulgarity of those hateful names has created a truly terrible memory for your daughter — or perhaps brought up old ones. Did you used to chastise her like that when she lived at home? And did your parents call you similarly harsh names?

Some words you can’t put back in your mouth. But, sometimes, if you’re very lucky, you can dull them. Write your daughter a sincere note of apology ASAP, saying you are deeply sorry for those ugly words. Sometimes “I didn’t mean it” can help to a degree. But, if you really love your daughter and want to repair your relationship, you’re going to have to conquer the alcoholism.

That will involve a lot of work, and perhaps rehab. Alcoholics Anonymous can help, as can psychiatric counselling.

But, start with the apology as soon as possible, and make it on paper or in an email so she can re-read it. Don’t phone her and make a bunch of excuses for what you said. Tell her your plans to get sober and to see a psychiatrist. Tell her again, as you sign off, how sorry you are and how much you have always loved her, and still do.

Whatever you do, don’t drink for “liquid courage” and call her — she’d reject your drunken voice and hang up on you, possibly for good.

Call the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba (204-944-6200) and make an appointment for an assessment. Find out what you need to do to get started on the road to sobriety.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A week ago, I met a great guy at a party and wanted to ask him out for dinner at a wonderful restaurant I know well. I am gay, and at least half of the people at the party were openly gay. The other half I wasn’t too sure about, and he did arrive with a woman. I hear she’s “just a friend,” but I’m scared to get in touch with him in case he’s just gay-friendly, not gay. How do I make sure and not cause an awkward exchange if and when I call him?

— Dying To Call, Winnipeg

Dear Dying: It may be too early to call him up and ask for a date. You need to do a little more research and perhaps get to know him a little more casually. Why not throw a casual dinner party at your place and invite him? Then you will have an excuse to talk to him and get to know him better.

If he’s warm to the idea, great. If he says he’s busy and he’s really nice about it, he might be interested and you should give him your number. If he’s cold to you about it, back right off.

Your impulse is good-hearted, but asking anyone of any sexual preference for a date after meeting them at a party is always a bit tricky as you may have to start the conversation by explaining who you are.

Try going through other friends to find out more about him. Somebody might know him well enough to fill you in on his personality, sexual preference, interests and his availability. People do love to gossip after parties about who’s who and what they thought of different people who attended, so get on the phone. It’s all part of the fun. Good luck!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave. Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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