Bedroom schism doesn’t bode well

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This article was published 09/04/2020 (2288 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife says if I won’t get back into the marriage sexually, it’s no marriage in God’s eyes or hers anymore. She is giving me four more months, and then she told me (in the car) she’s going to leave me and take our teenage kids. My daughter might go with her, but my son will probably refuse, because he also thinks she’s gone a bit nuts.

I must admit there’s been no sexual interest from my side in the last year. Why? Although I have a historical kind of love for her after 18 years and bringing up two children together, I just don’t like her anymore. I don’t like sharing the same bedroom, and I don’t even enjoy talking to her in the living room.

She has become super-religious. I mean, way over the top! We used to be casual United Church people, and I was comfortable with that, but now she’s joined this evangelical group I have no patience for. I can’t stand her preaching to me and the kids, and to anyone who will listen to her.

It’s gotten very embarrassing with our friends. She has no filter. Even with people she knows are not at all religious, she can’t help working it into the conversation within the first half hour. I even hear her on the phone now, since she can’t go out much. Her phone list is getting shorter and shorter, as no one wants to be preached at.

Back on Valentine’s Day, we had some couples over for a winter barbecue and she preached at them over dessert — and they all left early! During this COVID-19 virus time, when we can’t have people over, I’m actually relieved.

The sex thing confuses me, because I thought super-religious people would think it was dirty, but I’ve never seen her more fired up and frustrated at not getting action out of me. Come bedtime, I’m headed for the basement where there’s an extra bedroom and I can lock the door. I really don’t know what to do.

I think she’d dump me in a minute if it wouldn’t look bad to her church. Sometimes I actually suspect she has her eye on somebody at the church because she quotes a certain guy too much, and with a glint in her eye. Please help me.

— Totally Turned Off, Winnipeg

Dear Turned Off: Invite her to the downstairs bedroom later in the evening, when the kids are busy upstairs. She may think you want to have sex, so she may come. What you really want is to get to the truth of the matter in private. Tell her how turned off you are by her aggressive behaviour and her preaching religion to anyone around. Then go for it! Ask her outright if she has an interest in someone at the church. She may sidestep that one, so then ask her specifically if there’s a man at the church who interests her romantically. If not, she’ll give you a quick and forthright answer. If there is, you might get blushing and some shuffling around — or an answer that’s more direct than you expected!

It’s interesting your wife doesn’t seem to notice she’s annoying people in your old crowd with her preaching, but she may be so deeply into the new religious crowd she’s subconsciously not caring if she turns off the old gang.

At any rate, the six-month deadline before she leaves and tries to take the kids would have ordinarily taken you into late summer when that would be convenient for school changes. With the COVID-19 pandemic, people won’t be moving house as easily as they used to, or know much ahead of time when they can. In the meantime, you really should call a lawyer and accountant not shared with your wife, and be clear you want a long-ish phone appointment, and that you are prepared to be billed for it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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