Time to start living your life honestly

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This article was published 08/04/2020 (2339 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is making me literally sick. I get nervous driving home from anywhere and I have jitters in the driveway and don’t want to go in. I feel so lousy by the time I hit the door I go and lie down on the bed. She asks me what’s wrong and I say, quite truthfully, “I feel sick.” She says, “For God’s sake, see a doctor!” It would be pointless.

Why do I feel sick? Because I have a secret. I had a gay male lover in my early 20s. I thought nobody knew. The guy who was my “best friend” was actually the love of my life, but we couldn’t be “out” and together, as being gay was still thought disgusting and immoral in my religion, though no longer illegal. I was forced to say good-bye to him.

I was so lonely, I mourned him for at least a year. Then I decided I might as well go in search of a wife and have some kids, which I had always wanted. I picked a woman who was a bit of a tomboy. We played the same sports and got along really well. I married her because I could enjoy being her friend and partner, but the sex was never good. I used every excuse in the book to get out of it. After we had the two kids we wanted, the sex dwindled to almost nothing.

The kids have just left home in the last two years. Now in our 40s, we rattle around that house together, and I feel so alone.

Then, to my shock, my friend just moved back to the city. I ran into him. He’s had no wife — he never could marry a woman and be dishonest about his sexual preference, unlike me, the big liar. We went to a park and talked for hours about our lives. I knew I still loved him and he confessed he still loved me.

Now I am living out a daily lie and my nervous system is coming apart. I don’t know what to do. I want to leave my wife and go to him for good. I know she isn’t happy. How could she be? Please help.

— Miserable and Losing It, Winnipeg

Dear Losing It: Calm yourself with the knowledge you don’t have to do anything this week except think hard about making the necessary changes to your life, and start talking to people who can help you. Get counselling help by phone — by cellphone in your car if necessary — as most counselling offices will not be open because of COVID-19. You could contact the Rainbow Resource Centre (rainbowresourcecentre.org) — the LGBTTQ+ organization. They are continuing to do phone counselling (204-474-0212).

You need to think hard about how you want to spend the rest of your life, and you know it won’t be with your wife, from what you have told me. That means some hard truth-telling, separation and divorce. At least your kids are grown up and out of the house. You need to look at money matters with an accountant, and legal moves with a lawyer you don’t share with your wife.

Although there’s going to be anger and tears, you’ll feel better once you tell the truth to your wife. She may already know the whole story, as Winnipeg is a small town in many ways. Perhaps she didn’t want to leave her kids’ father even if there was no romance, as you were good parents and friends. Now those “kids” are raised, this is the time to start living your life honestly.

Maybe this is the freedom your wife also needs. She hasn’t had a warm marriage for many years and she may know more than you think she knows about your past. It may be she just stayed for the kids like you did, and didn’t want to be the one to speak the D-I-V-O-R-C-E word.

Since you’re in such a nervous state, you may need to tell her fairly quickly. Some say there’s no good time to tell somebody you want to break up. If it will save your sanity, tell her ASAP. It sounds like you’re near the breaking point, and that is worrisome. Don’t let yourself fall apart for any reason, because then you will have no happiness with anyone for a long, long time.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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