Let your visiting father’s newfound bliss flourish

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 06/05/2020 (2348 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My dad came to Winnipeg for two weeks last year to visit and stayed with us at our first house. He’s a widower who loves being outdoors, so he started gardening for my husband and me, who are new at this — and not really interested. But the former owner of our home was a serious gardener, so dad just dug right in.

The divorced lady next door had been gardening buddies with the former owners, so she and dad got right into talking about the “wonderland” that had been our back yard. I didn’t realize they grew so close, emotionally.

Now I hear they’re an item, and dad is coming back as soon as it’s safe to get close after the coronavirus recedes. He gave us a real start when he said he’ll be staying at the neighbour’s house — and he’ll visit us. What? He’ll deign to visit US once in a while?

I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. What is dad doing, jumping into a relationship feet first? I want to warn him he’s just doing this out of loneliness, but my husband says to keep out of it! What do you think?

— Dad’s Rushing Things, Tuxedo

 

Dear Rushing: You should be grinning at your husband with your eyebrows wiggling, not fussing and being negative. You’re the one rushing, and it’s to pour cold water on your dad. Stop before you do! He’s not a teenager and he’s certainly not YOUR teenager.

If things do not go well next door, he can just walk across the lawn with his suitcase and stay with you again. And think how happy your garden will be to know the magic gardener is coming back. You can bet he and this new lady friend — if you treat them nicely — will also spend some time fixing up your backyard wonderland.

 

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in response to Lonely and Scared (The young woman whose husband ignores her, threatens violence and refuses her sex for months on end — Miss. L.) While the situation seems pretty dire, I disagree with your advice to immediately seek divorce. We live in an increasingly narcissistic world, where people are hyper-aware of their own needs, not those of others, or in this case, those of their spouse.

These people committed to each other for a lifetime, and that’s important. The man here sounds like he’s depressed or angry about something. The advice should have been for her to write him a letter outlining her problems and including an ultimatum to undertake couples counselling to get to the bottom of what’s gone wrong in their marriage. Then, she should give the marriage a second chance and give him a timeline or a chance to change. If nothing changes within a few months, she has at least taken some action to save the marriage.

Marriages are often unions of entire families and friend groups. When one ends, many people are affected — not just the two spouses, even when there aren’t kids. My ex-wife ended our five-year marriage unilaterally and unexpectedly, without giving me a chance to shape up or to address her issues with me. The fallout has been tremendous for both families, with many people hurt by the ordeal. I ended up shaping up in short time to try and win her back, but in her mind, it was too late. I still feel that had I been informed about her feelings before she decided to leave, things may have worked out positively for us.

I really believe just up and leaving marriages is a cowardly, immature and irresponsible act, and should only be someone’s first choice if there’s physical abuse, unfaithfulness or some other extreme circumstance. Marriages can be challenging, but in my experience, those who commit to each other through the tough times end up enjoying each other even more during the nice times.

— Suggesting a Different Path, Manitoba

 

Dear Suggesting: You may have been a sweeter person than Lonely and Scared’s husband. I have several reasons for telling her to give it up at this time.

First and foremost, he was banging on the locked door threatening to beat her.

They have had this fight many times over the years, about his nasty behaviour, showing her no attention or respect, and withholding sex, this time for six months.

Finally, they don’t have kids yet, so she could still find someone who’s non-violent, sexual and attentive — even warm and loving — to have babies with.

 

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in love with a man of many talents. He knows a lot about everything and he goes after the knowledge and skills by finding ways around his serious dyslexia. If they gave awards out for YouTube knowledge, this man has watched hundreds more than anyone else, sticks with them until he gets the thing in question fixed, built, cooked or repaired. He can build a house, fix vehicles, do most work in the trades and plays several musical instruments.

The only problem is there are no degrees for dyslexic adults who may have learned more than people with regular degrees, but can’t write exams to prove it. So how do people with dyslexia get where they deserve to be, in terms of status and finance? Who wants to chance a brilliant person with no papers and pay him or her what they deserve?

— His Frustrated Girlfriend, Transcona

 

Dear Frustrated: Check out “dyslexic entrepreneurs” online. You’ll get lots of ideas on how to help and promote your dyslexic man, and can share the concepts with him to see what he thinks. Many dyslexics, who tend to be imaginative, good people-readers, and great at oral communication, start entrepreneurial businesses. They do a lot of selling and PR, and hire staff who read and write like champs, as it’s pointless for them to struggle with the paperwork end of the business and waste their special talents.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.