Time to seek mutually satisfying middle ground

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/05/2020 (2328 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My young husband seems to have developed a high schooler’s attitude to sex. In his mind, our raunchy honeymoon at the beach has never ended, though it was six months ago. He’s all-out randy and just plain goofy with sex now.

A month ago he caught me bending down leaning into the fridge to look for something, and he purposely bumped me from behind several times. I accidentally banged my forehead hard on the top freezer door! I saw stars, but not the romantic kind. I screamed at him, “Ever since the honeymoon, you’ve been behaving like a bull in a barnyard! Stop it!”

So he did. I mean, he literally stopped anything but polite missionary sex. He is so well-behaved during sex, I could go to sleep in the middle of a session. I didn’t mean to turn his sex drive down to barely flickering.

Before we got married, we had so much fun and romance and crazy stuff all mixed up together; it was perfect. That’s partly why I married this guy — for a lifetime of that. Then he went into to his young bull behaviour. And now — since the bump and bruise on my head — nothing. No crazy fun at all. I guess I screamed too loud! How do I get the man I was engaged to back? Did I squash his macho confidence that badly?

— Sorry I Killed It, Fort Richmond

Dear Sorry: The scream that could be heard around the world still echoes in his ears. You need to cancel that audio memory with a loving and forgiving conversation, plus some passionate make-up sex.

This is a case of one overreaction leading to another. He needed you to talk to him sooner about how his behaviour was getting too bullish. He thought his no-holds-barred escalation from the raunchy honeymoon would be great fun for both of you, but he didn’t check first, and it was turning you off.

Particularly, he needs to know what specific experiences you really enjoyed in the lead-up to the honeymoon, and he needs to tell you what he really likes. Great lovemaking is many different moods and dances. It was just right for you before the wedding. Now you need to add a few wilder things for him. (But forget the fridge bump!) Maybe you need to show him the degree of wild fun you still enjoy when the mood is right.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my old high school boyfriend from my hometown northeast of Winnipeg. We didn’t know how to talk to each other because he married one of my best friends and they’d been seeing each other behind my back before we broke up — and he got her pregnant.

He managed to choke out that he was sorry for what happened. I couldn’t say, “That’s OK” because it was terrible. He said, “Well, you won in the end, because I was too young to be married and made a mess of it, and now she hates me and we have a child together.”

I said, “Oh yes, I heard.” Then he asked me if I’d see him again sometime. I heard myself hiss: “Not in this lifetime!” That was pretty harsh. Was I wrong to do that?

— Shocked Myself, St. Boniface

Dear Shocked: Don’t think anything of it! That angry insult was a long time coming, and you got it out of your system. He may feel less guilt now you’ve evened the score somewhat. Just take a big breath, and let it go now. He was telling you two things — that he’d have made you a lousy young husband, and that he’s still got the colossal nerve to try to get you to go out with him again. He was no loss!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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