Work to understand partner’s mental health

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/05/2020 (2281 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My beautiful new girlfriend may be an addict or something. I don’t really know. She is moody, but mostly won’t let me see her when she’s feeling sad.

Sometimes she’s calm and steady and other times euphoric, and then she’s great fun to be with. She told me her last three boyfriends broke up with her because she’s “a bit moody,” so she says she’s learned to stay away from people when she’s down. 

I told my best buddy and he said, in his very blunt way, “Something about this stinks — especially the business about keeping you away a couple of times a week.” He thinks, beyond mood problems, she may have a lying problem — and someone else she sees, as she’s never let me stay overnight.

I don’t see any marks on her, so I guess maybe she could be taking pills or maybe she just struggles with a mood disorder and doesn’t want any drugs to help. This is something I don’t know about or understand. Please help. I’m getting in deep with her, as I really like her a lot.

— Victim of her Moods, Downtown

Dear Victim: When a new person comes into your life like this, you’re wise to be worried. You need to talk to her frankly right now before you get in too deeply. Maybe she’s afraid if you know her whole story, you will abandon her. That’s not your problem, and the truth is you might have to do that.

It’s very tricky and you shouldn’t travel blindly down this road. People like your buddy can give you a reality check but are not going to be much help beyond a hunch.

The people at the Mood Disorders Association of Manitoba will be able to direct you to help in dealing with your new girlfriend. You need to get a grip on this situation ASAP before it messes any more with your head and your emotions. If you can’t find a way to get at the truth of what’s going on, tell the new girlfriend you’re going to have to back away.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife was screaming mad and hit me hard on the head with a metal object that could have done major harm. I turned her over my knee and spanked her. She cried and then she wanted to make love. We decided not to go to the police.

But now we have a problem. She says I’ve been cheating on her (not true at all, not even once). I know for a fact she has a violence problem. She comes from a family of people who yelled and threw things — some hitting the wall and others connecting and hurting each other.

I don’t like violence and the most I could retaliate with from my background was smacking her bum a few times. Unfortunately, she liked it and now she’s making really rude and mean remarks that would provoke more spankings. I’m not willing to do that again. I don’t want to play the daddy role and I’m not sure if I love her anymore. P.S.: We don’t have children yet.

— Not the Violent Kind, River Heights

Dear Not the Violent Kind: Some of the most messed-up kids come from violent homes.

If you don’t want your future kids brought up with a woman who’s prone to violence, this would be the time to exit. If you don’t plan to have any children, you might consider trying to work this out, although a person who gets a bang out of high drama leading to sex is not likely to want to choose a lovey-dovey build-up to sex.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Eating has always been a problem for me. We were poor, and there was never enough food in the house, so I learned to stuff myself whenever there was food of any kind in case I wouldn’t be getting my next meal for another day.

In the end, I got jobs from Grade 10 to present in fast-food establishments, and I am a fat guy. I started going to a gym, which only made me hungrier — so now I’m a fat, muscled guy. I look like a tough biker, but I’m soft.

My British grandma nailed it when she called me a “puddin’.” Please help me.

— 50 Pounds Too Fat at Age 20, North Winnipeg

Dear Too Fat: Congratulations on coming to the point where you’re determined to save your own health. Call your doctor, ASAP. Many doctors in this careful COVID-19 time are doing appointments by phone, but some are doing in-office appointments.

Have your height and waist measurements, and your recent weight ready, and tell your doctor you are ready for serious change.

The physician may start you out on a healthy diet and a simple walking or cycling plan. You’re already lifting weights. One step at a time, and good luck!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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