Fixing work-related relationship will take some tact

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This article was published 03/06/2020 (2253 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I need a neutral opinion, and can’t ask anyone else, so here goes: I’ve been seeing a man for a little over a year now. We also work together from time to time but haven’t seen much of each other recently, for obvious social-distancing reasons.

We’ve kept the relationship very low-key since we’re both very private people. Phone and text have been our primary means of connecting since the COVID-19 situation began.

Two days ago, we were texting and I overreacted to something he said. I know it’s easy to “hear” a tone of voice in a text that doesn’t really exist, but it’s a sensitive topic for me, and I blew up at him. A discussion about how it made me feel was warranted, but not to the extent I took it.

I left him alone the following day, still angry about it. I’ve now sent him an apologetic text, as well as a followup, but he’s simply not responding.

Nothing gnaws at me and hurts me more than the silent treatment. I can’t sleep and I’m nauseated at the thought of losing him. I feel like an idiot for blowing up a relationship that means this much to me because I overreacted, and don’t know what to do about it.

I can’t just go talk to him at work, since neither of us wants the relationship to become fodder for gossip, and he’s not responding to electronic communication. He’s stubborn and proud, and I don’t know how to handle this. Suggestions?

— Help! Winnipeg

Dear Help! Without my knowing the offending words you used, it’s hard to tell you how to best approach the issue with him. All I know is you blew up, gave him the silent treatment, apologized, and now he’s giving it back. This is a “work” relationship. You will have to work with him again when people are back in the workplace together, no doubt.

For now, leave it a few days more and phone him once or twice to try to talk it out, if he’ll take your call. If he won’t, that’s that! You’ll have to wait until you see him in person again — or just give up.

By the way, is it possible he’s married? If that’s the case, he may be using this hiccup in the relationship as an excuse to end it. Married lovers don’t like their second relationships to cause them trouble, so it’s like being on trial all the time.

If you write back with your upsetting exchange of words, I will reply to you privately in more detail on how to approach this.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Back in grade school I ate a bug to keep a bully from kissing me. I ran into him at the lake last weekend and he still has the same old look. He recognized me and  pantomimed he was eating a wriggling bug and said, “Bet you won’t kiss me now either!”

I burst out laughing. It was all over! I realize I’d carried that memory all my life like a hard little thing inside me, and it just dissolved. I said, “Everybody laughed at you, didn’t they?” And he said, “I deserved it. I had a crush on you and I was being a bully. I got over that.”

We’ll never be big friends, but now there’s peace in a place I didn’t even know there was a hard spot. It makes me wonder how many other hard spots and resentments I carry in me. Should I explore this?

— Thinking of Counselling, St. Vital

Dear Thinking: Some people are crippled enough by bad experiences they go to psychiatrists, psychologists, hypnotherapists or counsellors of many kinds. Essentially, they go to talk about the bad incidents over and try to “neutralize” them. Then the memory no longer has any power.

I had a bad experience when I was five and could only half-remember it, but I went to an excellent counsellor at the University of Manitoba when I was 19 who brought it to light through hypnosis, talked it over, and got rid of its power for life. So, it can be a good idea!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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