Best not to disrupt domestic dynamic with girlfriend

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This article was published 04/06/2020 (2260 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m living in a co-ed house with friends, but I’ve fallen in love with my girlfriend, and I want to be with her day and night. I am a man of 28. She’d like nothing better than to move in with our group — after COVID-19 restrictions loosen up.

It feels like a bad move to me, as it would upset the balance here. No one else has a live-in partner, although girlfriends or boyfriends can stay over one or maybe two nights a week.

I suggested I move in with her at her place, instead. She didn’t like that idea. She said it’d feel like we were married — instead of roommates who are crazy about each other. What do you think?

— Rock and a Hard Place, Winnipeg

Dear Hard Place: Your girlfriend does not feel a pressing need to be “married” or even living together with you, as a couple, in your own private nest. It makes more sense to stay in your own separate places.

While it might be convenient and sexy to find your sweetheart in your bed every night, you’d be “a couple” in this co-op situation of singles. It seems your girlfriend would like to get in on the fun of people living as a group, but it would be awkward for others. Also, if she moved in, one room would have two votes (likely to be the same) when decisions have to be made.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother came to visit and she was on a mission. She thinks our children are not getting enough “personal attention” since my wife and I both work and have been able to keep our jobs, working from home.

Grandma volunteered to watch the kids. She lives a few streets away. All she has to do is look after them in the afternoons (and we pay her), so my wife and I can both get a lot of work done. In the mornings, the kids tend to sleep until 10, then do some school work with a tutor. At night, they play games until late.

My mother said my wife and I “should be more involved in our kids’ lives.” She has a point, and we are going to do more, but I think the real truth is she’s sick and tired of babysitting young teenagers. Who can blame her?

Really, it was the bad-parenting guilt trip she laid on us (me particularly) that really got my goat. I got mad and shifted the argument within minutes — back to the kids always being at home with us, every day.

My mother went home in a huff. Had she just said she was tired and needed more time to herself, we would not have had a problem, but she made me feel like a lousy parent. Now what?

— Upset Parent, Winnipeg

Dear Upset: With the partial reopening of schools in June, some of the 24-7 child-care need will resolve itself, as many students will return — though not for a full five full days a week.

If you and your wife need to have more time to yourselves to work, and grandma still wants two out of five afternoons, maybe you could work it out with a chat. But talk to her as gently as possible about her guilting strategy, which only made you feel upset and angry.

For the kids to get more parenting time, perhaps your wife could work more some mornings — and you could do the same, some afternoons — freeing up one of you to interact with kids more of the time.

Obviously, Gran is over-tired and not comfortable being a substitute parent for you. That’s what she was saying — though in an antagonizing way.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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