Take high road to shut down the put-downs

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This article was published 08/06/2020 (2251 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband has the annoying habit of putting me down whenever anyone else is around. He says it’s a joke, but it’s not. It’s embarrassing to me and to others. I’ve tried to discuss this, but it goes nowhere! What to do?

— Had Enough, Winnipeg

Dear Had Enough: Some people decide to fight back with put-downs of their own and offer their mate one or two of them privately, warning next time they’ll use them in front of others. Unfortunately, that means they have to stoop to their partner’s level. You may not want to do that.

But you do have to act in some way to drive your point home. Try this: If you have your own vehicle, start taking it to dinners and group events, claiming you need to go to somewhere afterwards. Insist on meeting hubby at the event.

When he starts getting into the put-downs, get up and excuse yourself in the middle of it. Tell the group nicely you suddenly don’t feel well (and you really don’t, though it’s emotional, not physical) and you have your own car. Then go! Your husband will be embarrassed and angry, and he’ll get “the look” from the rest of the group.

When you’re both home and he expresses anger over how you embarrassed him, you can say, “Now we’re even. You see how it feels? Let’s call a truce and stop this.” If that doesn’t work, it’s definitely time to see a relationship counsellor, or a psychologist who sees couples, to work out this degrading situation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is about your advice to the young lady who split with her bisexual ex, and her mom was pressuring her to get back together. You suggested mom needs to hear the “he’s not-so-straight” goods, and she’ll back off.

No! A mom doesn’t deserve or need an explanation or defence of any relationship. A firm, “It didn’t work” should be respected. I’m a mom who thinks we should respect our adult children’s choices.

— S.B., Winnipeg

Dear Respectful Mom: Not all mothers are respectful, and some will dig very hard for the reason(s) for a breakup. I agree your idea is a better first move, especially if parents are the non-interfering type, like you. But some parents hammer at their grown kids over a breakup because they already love the ex-partner like another son or daughter and don’t want to lose them.

It can also help to stop the bickering or arguing by giving the upset parent the honest truth about the breakup. Then they will have to give up.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a deep crush on a woman I don’t even know personally. It’s my next-door neighbour and she’s everything my wife is not. I love her from afar and don’t even go in their yard. But I overhear everything from my side of the bushes, and this woman is a delight. Unfortunately, her husband thinks she’s a delight, too.

I am off work right now and that’s how this all happened. My cranky, difficult wife goes to work every day, and comes home and acts like she should get a medal. I did that for 30 years already, working lots of overtime, too. I have dinner in the oven for her — and she starts complaining. It’s her favourite hobby.

The woman next door is beautiful and in her late 30s. She speaks nicely to her kids, helps them do schoolwork, praises stuff they show her and it sounds like she’s very affectionate too. Her husband gets home and it makes me sick how nice she is to him, and how nasty my wife is to me.

My wife drinks, swears and complains about everything. She doesn’t want sex since she hit menopause, and frankly I don’t want sex with her — but I’m alive sexually and want a loving new partner. I think this woman next door is a message from above for me to make some major changes.

I’m younger than my wife — in my early 50s — and we never had kids. I’d like to cut free and find a nice woman like the angel next door. But I’d be all alone for as long as it took to find someone else. How could I survive the loneliness until then? I don’t want to live the rest of my life with this witch, when there are real angels for other men.

—Ready to Jump, Windsor Park

Dear Ready: Adventures for Successful Singles has restarted most of its usual activities since the loosening of COVID-19 restrictions, except for the dances. Most people involved are between the ages of 35 and 70. Weekly activities include morning park walks with lunches, cycling, golfing, music jams in garages and backyards, plus the Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends group for new singles who are hurting. The group will also host four Tuesday night discussions for new members this summer to help them get up to speed with organization and what it has to offer. For more information, visit adventuresforsuccessfulsingles.com. Don’t waste time, as the club only takes one half of a split couple.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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