Sometimes best to just roll with rekindled romance

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This article was published 05/06/2020 (2255 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just had to write. I saw the letter from Dying of Exhaustion and my own situation is the opposite. (The person has had sleeping problems since their alcoholic partner left. I suggested counselling and Adventures for Successful Singles as a new start. — Miss L.) I recently woke up with someone back in the bed who I was not expecting — my wife. She had stopped sleeping with me in the fall after I accused her of having an affair. She’d been sleeping in the basement bedroom suite.

I was too startled to be sophisticated, and said, “Well, hello there…” and she proceeded to make love to me. She has slept with me every night since. Now I’m afraid to rock the boat by saying anything.

Confession time: I forced her to leave her profession years ago and raise the kids pretty much by herself while I built my business. Now the kids are up and gone in the last two years.

Last summer, after she began to distance herself. I went to the lake alone for several weeks. She wouldn’t go with me. I was devastated. I’m still in love with her, but I really suspect she may have just ended the affair I accused her of having. I never wanted her to go away, but I couldn’t believe her denial of an affair.

Now she’s back in our marriage bed and God knows I really want her! Should I just keep quiet about this strange piece of good luck… if I can? Or do we need to go to counselling and drag everything out into the open? I’m afraid who “the other guy” might be — and it’s unforgivable if it’s him. Help, please.

— Walking on Eggshells, Winnipeg

Dear Eggshells: When a piece of good luck falls into your lap, it’s sometimes best not to question where it came from. You’re obviously still in love, or you would have broken up with your wife months ago. So try this: Start by treating her really well (like you should have done the for last 20 years) and see if she might fall back in love with you — the way she felt when she first married you.

Some people vote for revealing all, and telling the hard truth 100 per cent of the time, but in this case it might be a better time for a “do-over” — a relationship renovation of sorts.

Encourage your wife to go after her dreams now with your full support, even going back to school if she needs to. Meanwhile, try to cut back your own hours at work, so you two can finally have some fun, real friendship and intimacy.

But if this attempt at a redo doesn’t work, and one of you starts distancing, it really will be time for counselling, to get it all out in the open and perhaps to help say goodbye, if you need to. For now, just try to build “happy times” back into the relationship, and see what happens.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I read about Dying of Exhaustion — the person who is having sleeping problems since their alcoholic mate left, even though they were glad!

I find that counting down from a high number (say 95 or 100) by seven can divert the thought process. Or, start with subtracting by three, which may be easier at first!

— Just Aware, Winnipeg

Dear Just Aware: Thanks for the idea. Also, working with numbers in a puzzle — like a simple sudoku— is a good way to get emotional thoughts out of your head, so you can sleep.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My advice for Dying of Exhaustion is to consider moving into a new place where there are no memories, and buy a new bed, new sheets — the works! After breaking up, I couldn’t sleep until I got a new place that didn’t have all the bad (and good) memories. Besides, what new woman wants to come home with you and sleep in the same place your wife did?

— Sleeping Like a Baby Now, Downtown

Dear Sleeping Like a Baby: Some people don’t have the luxury of making a move right away, but they could choose a new room in the house as their bedroom. If you only have one big bedroom, move the furniture around, paint the room a different colour and buy new curtains and bedding.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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