Meeting birth father calls for real groundwork

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/06/2020 (2299 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just got a surprise early birthday card in my mailbox! It was from my birth father who wants to meet me on my late June birthday. My stepdad (who I see as my “real” dad) says, “No way!”

I’m 14 and I really want to see this man who is my birth father — just to see if he looks like me, or talks like me, or whatever. My birth father left my mother when I was tiny. They weren’t even married when he moved to Winnipeg, then Vancouver and on to who knows where. We never saw him again, and his parents left our town, too. No family grapevine. Mom put it away as history.

Anyway, she married a wonderful man in her 20s who I count as my real dad in every way. Mom says daddy is really upset because he’s afraid this guy is going to try to tempt me away with apologies and big fancy gifts. No way! He is a stranger to me, and he ran away when my mom got pregnant. Grandpa wanted to kill him. That’s what I know.

Anyway, I’m a happy girl with great parents, and I don’t need this person, but I’m curious about how he looks, what his interests are and if he’s anything like me. I told mom and dad I plan to meet him, one way or another. They know they can’t stop me from emailing him. They told me not to meet him until I’m “of age.” Forget that! I agreed to get to know him first. What should be my first move?

— So Curious, Winnipeg

Dear Curious: Be prepared — you may or may not like your birth father. You could settle some of your curiosity by requesting photos of him and asking him to tell the story of his life since he left your mom.

He may not even want to make the effort of sending you photos or telling you about his life. He knew about the pregnancy and is a guy who left town for good, taking the easy way out. You might even decide not to meet him. But chances are, you will want one meeting — and before you’re 18.

You should bring one or both of your parents to meet your birth father, and it would be good if they gave you some time to talk alone, but were outside the café or restaurant waiting for you the whole time. They should also be the ones to give you a ride home and address the strong feelings you may have — or the lack of them — after the meeting. Sometimes meeting a birth parent can be a good experience and sometimes it can be bad, and you’ll need close family support.

I only know of two instances where a missing birth father offered a big bribe to his birth daughter to win her love — both were cars (one a convertible) and both young women turned the gifts down. One said to me, “A new car doesn’t make up for my birth dad missing my whole life, and for the pain my mom went through.” So don’t be surprised if this fellow wants to pay for something big, like your education, to try to make up with you or perhaps have some say in the rest of your life. Don’t take anything from him, at least not without first discussing with your parents, who should also talk to him about it.

There’s a chance he may simply be curious to meet you, and may actually have grown up and turned out to be a decent, responsible adult who feels bad about his past behaviour. 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My older brother is really good-looking, and this girl who knows him has befriended me. She is in university with him — same faculty. I don’t know if she likes me or she just wants to get in tight with my brother.

The other night, when she was drunk on the phone, I asked her what she was after — my friendship or my brother’s — and she said, “a little of both.” I think that was the truth because she was too blasted to think up a lie. I don’t want her as a friend, and particularly not as a fake friend, who phones me up drunk to ask more about my brother. What should I do?

— Confused About New Friend, North Winnipeg 

Dear Confused: Gently drop her. Be nice about it, but distance yourself from her without being cruel. What if she got together with your brother and she turned out to be your sister-in-law? You don’t want to be too mean! On the other hand, don’t let yourself be used. Next time you talk — and she’s sober — tell her you feel like you’re in the middle, and its uncomfortable for you. Tell her if she really is interested in getting to know your brother, she should do it on her own.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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