Proposals now more about drama than ‘property’

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This article was published 19/06/2020 (2251 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Why, in 2020, are women waiting for an expected proposal of marriage? As in, when is he going to pop the question? Over recent years, there have been tons of female celebrities who seem to be waiting for their male significant others to pop the question. I’d like to say “WTF,” but that might not be as dignified as I should be at 70-plus years.

I’ve also been at a loss for words when a friend reports, admiringly, that her daughter’s future husband has asked the daughter’s father for permission. Yikes! That is a carry-over from pre-1900 (or somewhere around that time) when women were still considered to be property or chattel of a male and permission to transfer property was required.

— Any Words of Comfort? Winnipeg

Dear Comfort: In most modern couples, nobody’s thinking about who owns whom (and certainly it’s not daddy) and most young men and women don’t even know the meaning of the word chattel. In recent times, it’s more about the drama than it is about any kind of ownership or show of power.

Women often create the drama of the wedding, and some men enjoy the drama of surprising their lady love with a ring in a unique place. One rarely hears of a man asking the woman’s father for her hand in marriage, though it does happen in some old-fashioned families, more as an honouring thing. Show me the dad who has dared to say no!

Usually, the engagement is sprung upon mom and dad after their daughter has accepted the ring from her guy, down on one knee at a restaurant or party. Pre-pandemic, the engagement might happen for the world to see on a giant screen at a sports game with thousands watching, but that’s putting pressure on the woman not to say no and embarrass the guy! Unless there’s been previous discussion and an agreement, most people would not do this.

Lots of young women bring up the idea of marriage for discussion first, and if the two people are crazy about each other, it’s not a disappointment to the guy that she got things rolling. If he’s been dragging his feet, it’s a different story. In that case, he needs to say, “Thanks, but no. It wouldn’t work for me,” or any other awkward phrasing that comes to mind that adds up to a definite “no.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been going out with a guy the last eight months, but since his older brother came home from university for a long stay, I’ve realized he is actually the one I prefer. He is much more mature, strong and ambitious. I also admit he’s taller, more athletic and funnier. He makes his younger brother look a lot less appealing.

I haven’t said anything to my boyfriend because he’d be devastated and I don’t even know if his older brother is interested in me. Please tell me what I should do.

— Attracted to His Brother, Brandon

Dear Attracted: You are a danger to this family. Telling your boyfriend his older brother is more attractive in every way could really hurt them as brothers. To avoid blowing things up, break up with your boyfriend as gently as possible — and don’t say a word to him about preferring his older brother.

Just get away from the family, and stay away. No doubt you’re tempted, but don’t wait a couple of months and chase after the big brother. Don’t hang onto the younger brother just to be near to the one you now prefer.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend is 32 and has her own little cottage at a lake in Ontario. She has been going up there on weekends and taking girlfriends — or so she says. She never invites me, although she hangs out with me Monday to Thursday. I am left alone on the weekends. I really like her, but it hurts she doesn’t want me with her at her cottage.

— Weekday Boyfriend, Crescentwood

Dear Weekday BF: You should be free on the weekends, and the weekdays, too. You’re quite right — she’s treating you like a convenience, not an important boyfriend she treasures. She may or may not be going up to the lake with her girlfriends. No matter what, you need to break free and stop accepting second-rate treatment.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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