Rethink relationship with ‘Queen of Denial’

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This article was published 18/06/2020 (2300 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new girlfriend laughs all the time. She’s very funny, a natural comedian, and I loved her for it, at first. The trouble is, she doesn’t want to face any problems — her own or anybody else’s.

If you tell her about something that upset you or hurt you, she will go into denial, saying, “Oh, he didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of those people at work.” That was the last incident I told her about. I knew the put-down was made purposefully to make me look bad in front of our boss. I just wanted support from her.

A few weeks ago, talking to her about my alcoholic mom who messed me up as a kid with her insults, she said, “Oh she didn’t mean for you to take things that way. You were too sensitive!”

She had no idea how bad it was; she just didn’t want to have to feel bad for me.

What kind of mother would she make, if we married and had children? Like, if our child got hit on purpose and was bleeding, she’d say, “Oh, Stevie didn’t mean to hit you in the face with that shovel and make your nose bleed. You must have imagined it!”

What should I do? I’m finding you just can’t argue with the Queen of Denial. — Ready to Pull the Plug, Westwood

Dear Ready: Yes, it hurts to hear about the pain received by someone you care about, but you don’t contradict the hurt person to make yourself feel better! Instead you listen, sympathize and try to help.

Pull the plug on Little Miss Sunshine, and tell her exactly why before you go. She will probably deny there’s anything wrong with her positive outlook, and say you are the one with the problem.

So, walk away, and think of the pain you have saved yourself  — and any possible offspring — from being disbelieved whenever they had a problem.

Constantly contradicting a person’s story of hurt can make some people — children especially — start to doubt their own reality.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Can you help me broach a sensitive subject with someone I’m newly dating? I’m 49 now. I had a hysterectomy at 22, and over the years, have developed an overactive, urgent bladder.

During the daytime, I can control it pretty well, but at night, when I’m asleep and under the influence of prescribed sleeping pills for my chronic insomnia, I often don’t wake up to go to the bathroom.

We’re far enough into the relationship where we’d like to spend the night together, but I always push it off. I don’t want him to think I’m not interested in him, but don’t know how to tell him I can’t sleep with someone because of this problem.

It’s so embarrassing. I wear adult diapers, but they often leak and I have a bed pad to catch that.

My urologist has advised against using a catheter regularly as that will only push back the progress I’ve made during the day.

Can you please give me some suggestions on how to have this talk? — Depends on Depends, Manitoba

Dear Depends: If you want, you can explain matter-of-factly you’re working on a bladder problem and don’t want to take any chances until you have the solution working.

It’s really time to see your physician (or a new one) and look for a new plan, now you have a sweetheart and a sex life. Be clear about the importance of that, especially if the doctor is the one who prescribed the medication that puts you so far out.

Important question: Are you addicted to the insomnia medication? If so, you might consider the help of a sleep disorder clinic with a program that doesn’t necessarily involve drugs.

You might also see a psychologist or psychiatrist and work on the problems that keep you awake.

Right now, plan to stay up late making love and having fun — and then one of you goes home to sleep.

Lovers don’t have to do things the same way everybody else does, especially if they have their own places.

Send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com  or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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