Don’t build a bubble without a real connection

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 31/08/2020 (2177 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Parties are rare these days, but I got invited to a musical event in a friend’s backyard, and this guy and I flirted all night, two metres apart — COVID space.

It was weird. It felt like the 1800s. We didn’t touch or breathe each other’s air all night. But we raced home to phone each other and talked all night.

Well, that’s not all we did, but each in our own bedrooms! He’s a bit of poet. Plus, he’s a musician and played to me on the phone.

How soon is too soon to ask to be in a bubble with each other, and what do you have to do first? I’m all gung-ho and so (I hope) is he! — Champing at the Bit, River Heights

Dear Champing: The bubble isn’t just you two and your folks, it’s much bigger, including your close friends, your siblings and their close pals, and so on. It’s not something you do after one or two great dates! You really need to know each other long enough to know if you want to make a commitment.

Try to spend lots of time on the phone and have COVID-spaced dates and walks in the park.

The trouble is, being forced apart makes you think about touching the person even more!

After a few weeks, if it looks like you want to be close and true to each other, then you might form a bubble and hope for the best.

As soon as you sense it’s not working, you must confess, as dating around secretly could mean serious trouble for the other person.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a middle-aged boyfriend who’s collar conscious — as in blue collar and white collar. To me, it makes no difference. I just prefer men who work with magic hands, from carpenter or mechanic to builder or artist — and lover, of course.

The other day he described the difference between white- and blue-collar men like this: “There’s the kind of guy who takes a shower before work, or the kind of guy who takes his shower after work.”

I don’t know how to react when he starts talking like this as I am university-educated and work all day with my hands on a computer.

If we broke up, I’d be attracted to another blue-collar man because the things I see a man create, fix or build from scratch are a big part of the mental and physical attraction.

So is the manly sweat and the shower he takes after he comes her from work. He comes out smelling wonderful, with clean wet hair and a towel around his waist. Big turn on!

How can I get through to him that I admire what I don’t know and would not be intrigued by a guy I went to university with — unless he was builder, artist or musician in his off-hours. — Hard to Fight This, Fort Garry

Dear Hard to Fight: For some people, there’s attraction in money, degrees and suits. You aren’t impressed with that because it was part of your life growing-up. You’re attracted to things you don’t know.

Plus, you haven’t felt the sting of being thought less of because you work with your hands. Yes, some people do look down their noses at those who do not “dress” for work in business suits or legal or medical gowns — signs of status to many.

Times are changing and no one thinks of you as less, though your hands work on a computer, and you may wear very casual clothes to work. “Blue-collar” workers wear whatever work clothes and safety gear are appropriate.

Unfortunately, many blue-collar workers accept judgment against themselves. Some refer to their work as manual labour, which sounds rough.

Yet, with the digital world we live in, people who do all kinds of work including “manual labour” are often highly educated on the computer side of their own business.

So what can you do? The most important point you made in your letter needs to be made to him — if he left your life, you’d have to look for another guy who works with his hands because that’s what you admire and it’s what turns you on.

If he still drops you because you’re from a white-collar background, then he has a serious problem with feeling unequal, and that’s not your problem.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I very much agreed with your advice to Son of a Drunk, especially about seeking peace and new patterns of interaction with his young family. (“Mom” is a troublesome after-dinner drunk, so I suggested lunches and brunches instead of dinners, and no repeat of overnights at the cabin. — Miss L).

Changing patterns when dealing with the addiction of a loved one is very challenging. Both Al-Anon and the Addictions Foundation of Manitoba are good places to call to find out how others have learned to make these changes.

It is possible to have a relationship with our addicted loved one while not being part of their drama. — Been There, Winnipeg

Dear Been There: It’s especially tricky down at the lake when close older relatives with drinking problems expect to come for an overnight, and may think it’s day-and-night party time.

But it ends up like double babysitting for the parents, especially on the dock where the alcoholic adult relative needs watching, too. They certainly can’t be trusted to watch children!

Nothing less than 100 per cent vigilance makes any sense.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.