Chill out, listen up to make connection

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 23/06/2021 (1876 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a guy who grew up in a military family and I have never been “smooth” when talking to women. My father was cold and strict, and my mom just more or less put up with it.

I haven’t been given much advice or any sort of tips for how to stay calm when talking to women. Whenever I meet a woman I find attractive in any way, I get nervous and start overthinking things and become awkward.

I’m 25, and don’t want this to be a forever problem. What would you advise?

— Unfortunate Son, Wolseley

Dear Unfortunate Son: Don’t look at women as “girlfriend material.” Look at them as possible friends, and start talking to them – kind of like you would to a girl cousin — casual, being yourself, not striving to impress, but more polite than you’d be to a sister. This is your practice.

Listen to what girls have to say with interest by asking questions and letting them be centre-stage. If you don’t know something, just smile and say, “I wish I could tell you more, but that’s all I’ve got on that topic!”

You don’t have to show off. Just tell them about your interests and your thoughts and feelings about the world. Girls are often good at listening and asking questions, so you don’t have to carry the conversational ball all by yourself. Be as honest as you can be, without being abrupt like your Dad.

The other part to the “dating and relating” challenge is to look good. Get moving and get fit, if you’re not already, and dress well for your body type. Also, buy deodorant that works in the hot summer.

Make a list of cool things to do on a date. If an opportunity for a date pops up, you’ll be set with a couple of ready suggestions. (Of course, dating hinges on COVID rules at the moment.)

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a well-to-do man who lives with a woman who resents my business world, even the money and the lifestyle it affords.

She misses her country home, family and close relatives. We live in an expensive suburb where people don’t know each other — even next-door neighbours. We’ve been married for seven years and have young children.

I go through the paces every day for the sake of the kids, but I feel so stressed out by it. I fear I will never feel loved again.

I work out, and get some nice looks from women at work. I don’t think it’d be hard for me to find a new partner. I just worry about our children. I feel like this isn’t an uncommon situation, yet I still don’t know what to do. Help!

— Undecided Dad, Bridgwater

Dear Undecided: Listen to your wife closely. This small-town girl is feeling isolated behind those beautiful walls — a bit like a prisoner. Would your wife be happy again if your family moved to a place with a warmer feeling and an involved community, maybe a 15- or 20-minute commute from the city?

If your wife became happy with her lifestyle, would your love re-ignite? You must have loved each other in the beginning. What did you like so much about her that inspired you to get married to her? What has changed besides the living situation?

Ask yourself these questions and use some of your money to get the best counselling you can before you two break up this family. Counselling is readily available and sessions can be done via apps like Zoom. It can work wonders with couples who have not yet done unforgivable things to each other.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography