Stop playing tug-of-war with ex and daughters

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This article was published 02/07/2021 (1868 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My marriage of 15 years is over. My ex packed up his belongings and left, moving into his rich girlfriend’s house with a pool.

The affair was not much of a surprise, as he’s been very distant and had taken to sleeping in the guest bedroom. I was OK with that arrangement. He’s never paid one cent towards the upbringing of our girls. He’s in the art world, and fairly successful there, but I have the higher income by far. So, I took care of the mortgage, all household bills and most of the child-care expenses. I have never minded this, as it was for the betterment of my family.

When he left, I didn’t ask for anything in child support. Why bother when he doesn’t have it? All I wanted was for us to be a strong front for our teenage girls. What a complete fool I was to think we could work together for our daughters. I could see changes right from the first weekend visits. The horrible lies about me coming out of the kids’ mouths were unbelievable! Why would their dad put such a heavy emotional burden on them?

I’ve told them we both love them very much and want nothing but the best. All I’ve heard back is how awful a mother I am — and how I showed disrespect to their father by “making” him move into a different bedroom. The final straw came when they secretly packed and Dad came over to move them into his new girlfriend’s house when I wasn’t around.

I have called for weeks, but they say “We’re old enough to stay with the parent we want!” I’ve tried to talk with my ex, but he just hangs up! I want my girls to move back with me and go for counselling, but they won’t hear of it. I feel like I’m fighting a losing battle.

— Losing My Kids? River Heights

Dear Losing My Kids: This new arrangement will probably wear out by the time the pool closes. Dad’s not used to bringing up girls or paying for anything, and these angry teens are not related to his new lady.

Face your own facts now: He didn’t feel like a husband or a father in the old arrangement. You were even fine with him moving out of the marriage bed. The only role he had left at your house was being a father to his daughters. He’s having to be a provider now at the new house, in every way, and he apparently loves it. Now he feels he’s won, as he has a new lover to sleep with and his daughters with him again.

Stop engaging in the tug-of-war. In that old game, if one team stops pulling on their side of the rope and just stands up, the other end falls backward on the ground. So, stop fighting and stop phoning the girls more than once a week, keeping it brief and pleasant.

Meanwhile, talk to a divorce lawyer ASAP and work it out so you’re paying enough, but not funding a fancy lifestyle over there out of guilt or an attempt to buy back your daughters.

Your ex-husband’s new love may get sick and tired of two teenage girls under her roof, especially if you have stopped fighting to get them back.

Look after yourself in the meantime. Your girls need to see you coping well, instead of crying and fighting for their favour. If there’s another nasty story fed to them about you, just shake your head and say, without raising your voice, “Don’t believe every line people feed you to get what they want.”

Face the fact this marriage has been over for a long time. Your goal now is to plan a workable arrangement with your ex and daughters — no matter where they live — and to pay fair support if your ex gets them. Next time, pick a partner you can really respect.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m watching the moving van next door and I just feel sick. It’s an old boyfriend of mine from more than 10 years ago. I lost total track of him then. He left me to go to university for grad studies and work in B.C. Now he’s back, and he’s even more attractive — no longer the lanky, starving student I used to feed. The problem is I’m single again. I don’t see any woman around him, and I haven’t talked to him yet. What should I do?

— Fit To Be Tied, South St. Vital

Dear Fit: Do nothing and live to the back of your house for a few more weeks, until his wife arrives — if there is one. Then you have time to assimilate the reality of him as part of a couple and he doesn’t have to break it to you in an awkward conversation. If nobody shows up in a few weeks, start living to the front of the house — maybe rediscover your front flower beds — and let him rediscover you, his new neighbour.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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