Soften Sunday doctrine to avoid family schism

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This article was published 29/08/2021 (1812 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife is on the rampage to get me back to church. I don’t like going to church and COVID was my way out of that for almost two years.

Saturdays were work days around the house and property. Then (whew!) I’d have Sundays as my relaxing day.

I’d go running, get caught up on papers and magazines and maybe cook a big dinner for my family (I love to cook). Then I started playing golf again this spring, glory hallelujah! I just love Sundays now.

I told my wife, and she said, “And how are we going to bring the kids up? Like a lame-duck religious family, where the father stays home in bed?”

— Lame-duck Dad, Winnipeg

Dear Lame Duck: This problem is begging for a compromise. Could you work it out so you go to church every second or third week with the family? Only showing up once a month is pushing it. If you rarely or never go, it certainly makes a point with the children.

Why not flip things around? Saturdays could work as your relaxing day — running, golfing, cooking — and Sunday could turn into church and home projects day.

And what about your wife? Does she get planned, weekly free time? During the discussion with her, you need to work out time off for her, to be fair.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband and I packed up at the lake early and came home one rainy day to find our oldest boy (age 18 and one month) in bed at 3 p.m. with his girlfriend. My husband heard noises and pushed right into the room. My son yelled “get out!” and they got dressed, and took off in his truck.

Our boy didn’t come home until the next day, after he phoned to say he had a new place to live, with his girlfriend’s buddies who share a house. When he got home, I started to lecture him while he was busy throwing things in bags and boxes to move. I was in tears, begging him to stay.

All I found out is the girlfriend is on the pill, he’s of age (as if I didn’t know) and he’s “moving the hell out!” His girlfriend is 19 and works at the same place our son does.

He said, “I’ve been living all summer with a job and a relationship, and I’m not going back to being your boy.” As for university this fall, he told me, “Forget it! I want to work and support myself.”

This was not our plan for him. We have money saved for his university education. He’s a smart boy with high grades and big plans — or so we thought.

— Disappointed Mom, North Kildonan

Dear Disappointed Mom: If you pay his way at university, he thinks you’d still try to run his life as “your boy” and he’s probably right.

It’s too bad the “declaration of independence” had to begin with a startling bedroom scene. Now that the fight’s over, my advice to you as parents is to be surprisingly nice and quietly let go of the reins, so you don’t lose him totally.

Stop fretting and look at it this way: There’s nothing wrong with a gap year (or two) away from school while a person works, pays their own rent and bills, has a grown-up relationship and figures out what exactly what they want to do with their life. Ideas can change once “kids” get out of high school and see more of what’s happening in the world.

If you want to see more of your son, apologize through him to his young woman, who probably thinks you’re ogres at this point.

As for the tuition money you just saved this fall, use it for yourselves to travel or save it to help with a graduate degree one day, if your son ends up actually needing it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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