Get a grip on ‘things’ to smooth relationship

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/09/2021 (1853 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I lose stuff all the time — rings, cellphones, bills — and sometimes my car in a big car lot. I’ve done it all my life, and I’m not losing my memory. I just don’t give a damn about material things. But now I’m finally married at 43, and I have a problem. My sweet-tempered wife actually yelled at me today: “You don’t care about important things!”

Wrong! I don’t consider “things” important. My mind is always “on.” I’m a scientist and very precise in my work. I love what I do — looking for answers to important problems. I’m always looking for patterns and solutions. I resisted getting married for years, because this is what I wanted to avoid — getting nagged for how I am.

The problem is I really love this woman. She’s not a “thing” to me, and I don’t want to lose her. Please give me concrete suggestions. I don’t need a pat on the back.

— Absent-minded Husband, St. Boniface

Dear Absent Minded: You need just two important “things” to fix this — a light vest with a lot of pockets and a man’s heavy leather purse (or “murse”) that goes over your shoulder and has a flaps that naturally closes, even if you don’t fasten it. The murse goes where you go, with a jumble of your stuff in it. Organizing it is not important. If you need your phone, watch, or glasses, just dig in and feel around.

Then there are the tiny, expensive things. For instance, if you need to take your wedding ring off at work, or stash a hundred dollar bill, you have to stick it in a vest pocket. Or, you can buy some shirts with pockets that have buttons or snaps.

Your wife can help you shop for these organizing items, and feel good about fixing the problem that annoys her so much. Good luck with the new marriage experiment — hope it goes well for you two!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband has given me an ultimatum: Either I stop gambling or I “find other accommodations.” I promised him I’d stop, but I can’t — because I really don’t want to.

For 30 years, I worked and travelled in my business, making high-risk deals for my company. I sacrificed friends and having kids to give my husband and I a “want-for-nothing” lifestyle, as we came from families with no money.

But our careers are over now, I’m retired and my marriage is unfulfilling. Gambling fills that void, and I love it!

I don’t think I should have to stop doing the only thing I really enjoy doing with my money. Our house was paid for long ago, and I have a big pension and investments.

My husband has golfing, fishing and TV sports to fill his days. Yawn! Maybe if we had a more exciting life I wouldn’t gamble. Oddly enough, I love my husband like a comfortable old shoe, and I don’t want to lose him. What can I do, if anything?

— In Love with Gambling, Tuxedo

Dear Gambling: Working to make risky deals for your company was a big adrenaline boost. The day you retired, the risks and thrills were over. Plus, the office workers around you were suddenly gone. You’re understandably lonely at home.

Gambling helps you fill the time and gives you more pops of adrenaline. But gambling has a dark side and that’s why your husband’s upset. Gambling sets you up to lose your money and maybe your love partner.

Manitoba Liquor and Lotteries offers a “Finding Help” list of contacts for people who are having problems with drinking and gambling at mbll.ca/content/finding-help. It includes numbers for groups like Gamblers Anonymous, and the contact for “voluntary exclusion” from casinos.

To help make the cross-over from gambling, you need to get into more acceptable adrenaline-pumping activities and the opportunity to meet like-minded friends, ASAP.

Popular extreme sports include skydiving, scuba diving, windsurfing, paragliding, bungee jumping, ultra-gliding, snowmobiling, car racing and more.

To assist you in staying quit, and to enliven your marriage, consciously build a new world of “couples friends,” too.

You could learn to play golf this fall and join your husband’s golf group. You might also learn to play bridge together as partners — taking lessons and becoming good at it. Then there’s snowmobiling with a group this winter — I’m betting you two could probably afford a fancy snowmobile. When COVID is finally tamed, adventure travelling around the world would be fun!

There are lots of way to spend your money and have more fun with it, other than gambling.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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