Leave teenage angst behind and go for it

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/09/2021 (1811 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I ran into my first serious girlfriend today. I’m so overcome with emotion I need some advice. She was my high school sweetheart and she was a beautiful princess back then. Her parents were the king and queen of our farming community, with more land than anybody else and new vehicles every second year.

I ran out on her, like the coward I was at 17, because I was overawed by who she was, and what her family had. I had nothing except muscles and a full head of hair. Now I have neither of those, but I have a lot of money and success I never expected to have.

We met in the doctor’s office, of all places, where we quickly assured each other we were double-vaxxed. After our appointments we went for lunch. Neither one of us is married anymore and we both have “kids” in their 20s. We did a lot of silly smiling at each other.

Finally she said, “Well, are you going to ask me out on a real dinner date? I’ll be back in town from the lake in two weeks.” I said, “Yes, if you’ve forgiven me for running out on you after Grade 12.” She said, “I forgave you a long time ago.”

I have her number and don’t know what to do. I don’t want a repeat of my discovering, for whatever reason, she’s not for me and running out again. Is there a safe way to handle this?

— Want to Make a Move, Sage Creek

Dear Want: There’s nothing safe about dating anybody, mister. Forget the Grade 12 stuff, because she has. She’s already asked you to ask her out, so you better hurry.

This is no quick lunch date. You say you have money now, and she does (at least when she was young) so take her to a nice restaurant with indoor/outdoor capacity. Talk about your lives now and what you’re both hoping to do with in the future. Forget small talk! You were significant sweethearts in your younger life and now you’re significant adults. Don’t waste any precious time whining about your lost marriages.

Talk about your grown kids, places you’ve travelled and fun things you want to do post-COVID. Talk as if you’re sitting on clouds; don’t talk about the political and social messes on earth right now. In other words, this should not be a shallow or regretful date. It should be a celebration of running into each other again, feeling grown up and equal, and being open to seeing how things go.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in response to the column headlined “Nix idea of six” about the husband who wants a half-dozen children, and the wife who really doesn’t. Your advice of having two and then a break before raising later babies with help from the older kids is not healthy!

I was one of those kids who had to raise siblings for my parents. It robbed me of my childhood. My siblings resented my surrogate parenting. I was, for example, the first on the scene when a kid woke up screaming.

My parents bullied me until they both died, decades later. Worse yet, they modelled bullying for my siblings, to the extent I now have no contact with them. They continue to find fault and gang up against me. Who raised these suburban trainwrecks? Me. But I was only a kid, so it’s not surprising they turned out dysfunctional.

It’s extremely unfair of parents to ask their kids to be pseudo-parents. It’s not a childhood job. That job is to learn through age-appropriate play.

I liked your idea of having a few kids and adding pets like puppies to make the family feel bigger. That’s as long as the woman doesn’t have to pick up her husband’s slack with the pets.

— Forced to be an Older-sibling Parent, Winnipeg

Dear Forced: It’s sad you lost your youth to a forced parenting role — and doubly sad your brothers and sisters resented you for it, and don’t talk to you. In some families, the grown kids are extra-close to the older siblings who raised them. There was more pain and bullying in your experience.

I’ve recently heard from several women who never wanted to marry or have children after being forced to parent their younger siblings. But that didn’t mean they lacked significant love relationships! They just wanted to be free of family responsibility.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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