Spilling guilty secret is only way forward

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/09/2021 (1496 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I did something bad. I slept with another guy and my boyfriend has no idea. I thought it would be fun and exciting, as I’d never cheated before, but any time I text my guy, see him or talk to him, I feel now overwhelmed with guilt. I want to tell him what I did, but I also fear his reaction.

I feel like ending the relationship is probably the only way for me to move on, but how fair is that? I really love him and I feel like, if he could just be OK with this one thing, we might be OK to stay together. Am I crazy for thinking it might work out?

— Guilty Girl, Winnipeg

Dear Guilty: Keeping this secret feels like a big rock under your pillow, doesn’t it? So, you’re going to have to spill it and see what happens.

There aren’t many workable solutions to this problem. I know of one couple who settled it this way: The wronged partner was allowed one free night with another person, within a period of time (so it wasn’t hanging over their heads forever). It worked for them, but it likely wouldn’t work for most people. What do you think of this idea? I’d also be interested in hearing from my readers on this thorny issue. What would you do in the same situation?

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just broke up with another guy who seemed great, because my brain kept telling me it was time. I’m someone who’s never held a long-term relationship past the two-year mark. For whatever reason, I always feel overwhelmed at this point.

I’m a fit and attractive woman in my late 30s and guys really fall for me, but when they get serious, I make excuses and leave.

I often pick guys with a tragic flaw, but then they sometimes try to straighten up to win me. Oh, boy! I guess I really don’t want to be won, do I? And, here’s the confusing part: I get rid of them and then I get really lonely for a man again. It’s the ‘rinse and repeat’ syndrome!

Not that I have nothing to do in my life — for years I’ve worked hard at my job located on the city outskirts, and lived nearby with my menagerie of animals on my acreage. My pets are kind of like my roommates, I guess, but some are big and have to live in the barn! I never want to move back to the city or scale back my number of beloved animals. Get this messy picture?

I’m so used to my independence — I love it, yet it causes me pain. What’s wrong with me?

— Bad Things Happen After Two Years, Charleswood

Dear Bad Things Happen: This may seem strange, but you really need to make a list of all the bad things you can imagine happening if you started living with someone or got married. My guess is it’s the total lack of privacy and freedom, and living up (or down) to a man’s expectations of a female partner, that mainly has you spooked.

Get the points out on paper — not just anxiously floating around in your head. Then organize them from worst at the top, to the least worrisome at the bottom. Put the list up where you can see it often. Your mind will start working on it, and will come up with solutions to some of the smaller problems, leaving you with a stubborn unsolved list. Take it with you to a psychologist, to see why you feel the way you do.

If you manage to work some of the tougher problems out with professional help, you may be able to live with somebody on weekends, next door to each other, or under the same roof with separate bedrooms — yet still have a good sex life.

You might need to add on a room to the house or a build kind of a studio space separate from the main house so you and your partner can always have some space.

As for your animals, if your partner is not into them, he’s not a serious contender for your heart. A romance is not going to go well if you are asked to give up your beloved pets for it!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.