Be bold to move beyond buddies

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This article was published 21/10/2021 (1759 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m trying to win over a girl who has a useless boyfriend, and I just don’t get what she wants.

She’s dating this jerk who is a total loser, and treats her poorly. He always goes out with his friends on Saturday nights and leaves her all alone. They also seem to have a lot of spats.

She doesn’t know I feel the way I do — I’m in love with her. I’ve known her for a long time, from university to now. I have kept my secret feelings to myself. I need some help on how to tell her how I feel, without freaking her out. I’ve been doing a lot of big favours for her lately — like teaching her to drive and helping her to move. Does that help? What should I do?

— Longing for Her, Osborne Village

Dear Longing: In her mind you already belong to her permanently, in the role of old buddy. Why would she want to take a chance on losing her best friend, who cares so much and does giant-sized favours for her?

There’s not enough tension between you two! You need a little mystery to make her want to reach out for you. That could happen if you start changing before her very eyes.

So, let her know you’re girlfriend-shopping this fall!

To that end, it’s time to get yourself looking hotter for the chase, with a new hair style, and sexier clothes that really fit. (She’s likely already seen your old jeans and sweatshirt 100 times.) Dare to look quite different from before! If you wear glasses, change them up. Maybe grow some facial hair if you want a real change of look.

Start going out with other friends more. She needs to stop thinking about losing you as her forever buddy. You don’t want to be this young woman’s platonic friend to the day you die. So, when her loser boyfriend doesn’t take her out on the weekends, don’t be her stay-at-home “watch a movie” buddy.

Let her know the only way you’ll see her on a Saturday night is joining you out in the world, doing something with you. Show her what a fun person you can be. The plan is to steal her, is it not?

She’ll see the game is changing, and you are bolder — not her puppy dog. If she has no interest in you as more than friend, you’ll finally know for sure — and can start to distance yourself enough to look for someone else.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend has a mean mouth he’s never used on me — until this week. I’ve heard him get mad at other people. He never gets physical, but he lashes out with his sharp tongue, and he can destroy people in a few sentences. “Shoulda been a cop!” is what he likes to say.

Since I’ve known him, he’s lost the friendships of three people. But, he’s always been careful with me. Then I disappointed him, and he turned on me and called me names — not cursing, but character assassination. He has cut off from me now, and I’ve not tried to fix it. I haven’t cried either, which is odd.

I miss him in some ways, but I’m not feeling the feelings of a desperate lover who needs to get back into the intensity of the relationship. There is a kind of love and history though. What should I do?

— Nowhere Land, East St. Paul

Dear Nowhere Land: It’s not up to you to rescue him from this chilly separation, and if he can’t rescue you either, then you have arrived in the friend zone. That means, when you do talk again — no matter who contacts whom — you offer friendship and to help if they ever need it.

Friendship between ex-lovers can mean talking once in a while, but not every second day as then it will stay painful. That will make it harder for both of you to heal and find another person.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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