Cold feet on warm move call for compromise

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This article was published 25/10/2021 (1813 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife tricked me. I hate winter and have recently retired and sold some properties, so we’re set up well. My dream has always been to move somewhere nice and warm after retirement. I have talked about it for the last 10 years. She always seemed quietly supportive of the plan.

Then the day finally arrived to make some decisions. I’m feeling ready to go hunting for Shangri-La and she tells me she is not willing to take part in this adventure. What?

My wife says she isn’t willing to leave the grandchildren, who are already 12 and 13 for God’s sake — not babies! I’m so mad at her for leading me on all these years. I feel like going anyway and leaving her at home, but that would devastate our children and probably be the end of the marriage.

I love my wife deep down, but I’m really upset about this betrayal and I’m not “feeling the love” right now. I need some direction.

— Losing My Dream, Crescentwood

Dear Losing My Dream: Your wife may have thought she was OK with your dream, but then realized recently she doesn’t want to yank up all her roots.

This calls for a compromise. Without moving away completely, living year-round in beautiful weather is still possible. That means keeping the house here, or selling it and downsizing to a summer cabin, but then going south as snowbirds for the cold months of the fall, winter and early spring when COVID lets up.

Ask your wife to consider these ideas as a compromise — and if she balks about the holiday season, you could fly back with her for 10 days or so every year to be with family.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Thanksgiving was a real mess at our house. My mother-in-law, whose husband died, seems to be sliding into dementia pretty badly. Without getting into too much detail, she let it slide that she basically had an affair with her neighbour 45 years ago. “And what a handsome man he was!” she said at the table and clapped her hands.

My husband — her favourite son — was justifiably upset, and walked away from the table, leaving us all sitting there. Sadly, his mother didn’t grasp why he took off.

I drove her home, trying to explain what had happened, and told her everything would be alright. I would talk to my husband.

I said: “He isn’t an angry man; he’s just very hurt.”

He held his mom in such high regard all his life, and this was a shocker. What would be the right thing for him to do here? He told me he needs to know more, but I’m not sure that’s worth trying to learn at this point in his mom’s life.

— Thanksgiving Horror Show, Transcona

Dear Horror Show: It must have been deeply painful for your husband to hear about a betrayal 45 years ago involving his own parents. Does your husband really need to know more? And does Mom actually remember that period of her life clearly, or is she mixed up and thinking a fantasy she had was real?

Perhaps she’s remembering her husband when he was a young and handsome man, looking totally different from when he died.

She may tell other stories — remembered rightly or wrongly — so you should keep her next to you when your husband’s around. Divert the conversation quickly, and even steer her into the next room if she’s going off in a dangerous direction in her changing memory.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met my boyfriend on Tinder and things have been great. While I don’t think the Tinder dating app is for everyone, things are working out for us! We just got engaged and moved into a house together. I’m so excited to start our new life together. I hear tons of horror stories about Tinder dating, so I wanted to let your readers know there is hope. If it can work for me, it can work for anyone!

— Wife-to-be, Southdale

Dear Wife-to-be: In earlier days of online dating apps — without any pictures included — people would build up a friendship and a big flirtation, and possibly send a flattering photo. Then they may have chatted on the phone and meet weeks (or even months) later, feeling quite invested.

What a sad or embarrassing surprise for some! Quite often, one or the other would feel zero attraction, no chemistry. And then, what to say? Perhaps something awkward like: “Sorry, but all the times we communicated I thought we really had a romance starting. Now I see you for real, there’s just no physical attraction.” That’s just too nasty!

At least with Tinder you’ve already chosen people you like the look of, with similar interests. If the face-to-face communication is good, you might have the start of something good.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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