Marital stalemate calls for intervention

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This article was published 15/11/2021 (1737 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband used to be beautiful to look at — a runner and a real athlete. Just the tone of his muscles used to turn me on. I’d say he looked “lean and mean.” Now he’s become overweight and dresses like a slob in grey sweats and T-shirts. Why? Because, I got pregnant and ate a lot, so he ate himself up to 40-50 pounds overweight — mostly in the gut.

He gave up his running because of an injury, but he could still walk and lift weights if he wanted to. Now he mostly plays on his computer or with our kids. I cared enough to firm up for him after my two pregnancies.

In exasperation, I told him how I felt about how he’s let himself go. He hasn’t had sex with me since, and it’s been a long time since we actually “made love.” I did notice he started going to the gym again lately, but when I mentioned it and praised him, he said flatly, “I’m not doing it for you, Baby.”

At first, I thought he meant he was doing it for himself, but a new “friend” he’s made at the gym has a female name and he obviously likes her a lot. Should I be worried? What can I do now? I don’t want to be a single mother, but I’ll kick him out if he’s having an affair.

— Wanting My Old Marriage Back, River Heights

Dear Wanting: When communication has locked up, you need somebody who’s skilled in counselling to get things moving. Even if just one person goes, and starts making changes, things can’t stay the same. Your husband may not have thought ahead to a possible breakup of the family. He’s just hurt and busy getting even.

If he knows you’re serious about the trouble between you and getting professional help, he’s going to be shocked at what that could mean.

You could start to crack the ice by saying, “Tell me about your new woman friend at the gym.” He’ll probably bluff with, “Which one? I know a few people at the gym” Then speak her name, and watch his face. You don’t have to say more at that point. Let him think about the ramifications and the fact you’re going to counselling now.

He may say: “That counsellor’s putting ideas into your head.” Then you say, “No, the counsellor is fair. Would you please come to a session with me? I’ll arrange a babysitter.” That will signal to him there’s a serious problem, but you want to solve it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got used, but good! I met this good-looking man on Facebook and went for coffee and a few lunches. Recently, we progressed to romantic dinners, movies and sleepovers. During these intimate dates, he opened up about his horrible life, and how he covered it up by drinking. He has Alcoholics Anonymous in his life, and told me he hasn’t had a drink in well over 20 years.

The fact I drink occasionally was not news to him! I was upfront from the get-go about my drinking occasionally at dinners, but he kept dating me. Without mentioning it as an issue, he made it into my bedroom.

After a few nights together, he said that “my drinking” did not trouble him, but he would not move forward in a relationship with me because of it. What? I don’t have a drinking problem! Maybe he should have mentioned this issue before sharing my bed.

I’m happy he’s found his way out of drinking, but I feel upset and used by him. I guess he was trying to hook me with his sexual prowess. I’d give him a big C-plus on that. I just can’t get his words out of my head.

— Not a Wino, Elmwood

Dear Not a Wino: He probably liked your looks and found your personality pleasing, but if he hung around with you much longer, he’d be tempted to start drinking again. He’s an alcoholic who needs a partner who doesn’t drink.

It’s understandable you were annoyed by the way he ended it — sleeping with you and trying to shame you into thinking you had a drinking problem you needed to quit so he could keep you.

Time to find a more suitable guy, who enjoys a casual glass of wine and has no alcohol problem. This guy is not for you and you’re not for him. It had to end, but by staying angry you are not letting it. It’s time to say goodbye for good to him in your own mind.

When you feel thoughts of him creeping up, block them by calling a friend or getting busy with something you enjoy. The thoughts that pester you will stop if you keep refusing to let them in.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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