Talk through parental stress to rekindle passion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 14/11/2021 (1782 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I tried for many years to conceive, exploring everything possible. When we finally gave up, we became pregnant! I can’t explain the joy we felt. We had the most loving pregnancy.

Now our beautiful baby girl is with us, and I couldn’t ask for a better father. But, there is a problem. We haven’t made love since my husband found out we were pregnant. At first, he said he didn’t want to “disturb the pregnancy.” Now, he just makes all kinds of excuses. I’ve tried to talk with him, but he won’t open up.

I have to say, he’s a perfect husband in all other ways. At first, I thought he was cheating on me. I checked his computer and phone — nothing. Cheating would be next to impossible as he goes to the office and comes directly home. He doesn’t go out after work.

So what is going on? We had the best sex life for years. I don’t want a sexless marriage! How do I approach this subject with my husband? He will not respond to me anymore.

— Living Without His Loving, east Winnipeg

Dear Living Without: An experienced relationship counsellor could help you get all the hidden problems out on the table with some good questions, asked sensitively. For instance, did your man get turned off during the pregnancy and now is having trouble getting turned back on? Are you still breastfeeding, and once again he feels he shouldn’t bother you? Does the baby wake at the slightest noise? Is the baby sleeping in your room? Are you two still up several times a night for feedings and feeling dead tired? Does sensitive hubby sleep with his ears open, just like you do?

And now, the biggest questions: Is your husband worried about another pregnancy too soon? Maybe he just wants one child and doesn’t know how to tell you he wants to use contraception or go for “the snip.” It’s been extremely trying the last few years for both of you. Think about this now: Could you be satisfied with just one child?

It’s smart for you to go to bat for your marriage now. A relationship counsellor has seen all these sensitive issues before.

The good news? Sex experts say low desire is more often caused by fatigue and stress, than by lack of interest.

Your husband probably needs to talk to the relationship expert alone first, to get freed up about the stresses he has trouble telling you about. You may also need a few private sessions before you talk to the counsellor together as a couple. Hopefully, you’ll get help to put your whole marriage back on track, including that mutually-satisfying sex life you are missing.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Since my divorce, I toil away for my job and my family six days a week — and on the seventh day I rest. I don’t even cook on Sundays. I make extra dishes the other the six days and they’re in the fridge when my teenagers want to warm them up. That way I don’t have a husband complaining about my being a lazy witch, while he’s drinking in the background. I just want my solitude.

The only thing I do on Sundays is take in a church service on TV. My teenagers think I’m a weirdo. I get out of bed after the Sunday service, and have a leisurely bubble bath, go walking for exercise with the dog, and come home to drink coffee. I often have visits with my sister or a close neighbour then.

Last night my oldest son, now 17, accused me of being “a lousy mother” for not putting a big Sunday dinner on the table like other mothers do. What do you think?

— Mom Needs Day Off, Selkirk

Dear Mom: Your big boy of 17 is hurting. He was probably embarrassed he had to tell you the parental job with him and his siblings isn’t done yet. Your son wants the feeling of family gathered round the table on Sunday, with or without his father. It’s not too much to ask of you, after you’ve spent the day resting and having some time to yourself.

Since all the food is made beforehand, could you maybe heat it up, put it on the table, and sit down with the kids as their loving parent? It’s a traditional time to eat with family and talk about the past week, and the one coming up. And how about a board game afterwards for some fun together? This family could do with some laughter.

Your kids aren’t gone yet, so don’t act like they are, or you won’t see much of them once they leave — and that could feel very lonely.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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