Details will help cope with dad’s admission

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This article was published 04/04/2022 (1638 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My dad recently admitted to my brothers and me (we’re in our 30s) that he went to jail for drug possession “a long time ago,” like before he met our mom. We were all shocked when he dropped that little bomb. Apparently, our mom has always known — even more shocking.

He told us after a few drinks together last weekend. Now that we’re adults in our 30s, he must have thought we were ready to hear this. We went completely silent.

Finally, he made a joke about us “young fellas” acting awkward, and he went to bed. I feel weird about talking to him, but I have a lot of questions all of a sudden. What should we do?

My brothers and I love our dad — he’s always been so good to us — but this really makes us see him through another lens. What happens next?

— Confused Son, Winnipeg

Dear Confused: Sometimes it’s better to know more details, rather than less. Now all you grown-up sons can do is imagine — and you’re imagining the worst. Dad took a jab at trying to tell you — but it didn’t go well.

However, your mom loved and married your dad, and she can probably explain the situation much easier than he can. Things have changed a lot in relation to drug laws and penalties over the years. In your dad’s younger days, penalties were probably much harsher. Ask about all that, and do some historical research online.

He’s been a good father to you all your lives? It’d be a big mistake to turn your back on him now. It took a lot of guts to tell you and face your disappointment and possible rejection. Hit up Mom for the important background information to understanding what actually happened. Then talk to Dad.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m the single parent of a young child, and I find it hard to have a sex life. I’ve been dating someone for a couple of months, and it seems we never have a chance to be intimate. Whenever we think we have an opportunity, my child will drop something in the kitchen, bang on the bedroom door or call loudly for me.

It has put a lot of pressure on our relationship, as I feel like my partner expects to have sex, and I don’t blame him. He says he understands, but the last one said that, too! I can’t afford a babysitter most of the time, so I worry I’m going to be stuck as a single parent forever.

— Difficult Sex Life, Elmwood

Dear Difficult: Expecting to have sex when your young child is awake and walking around the house is unrealistic. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand this, he isn’t a keeper. You need a guy who gets it, and perhaps has children of his own.

The only possible time to have uninterrupted sex is if your child is sleeping deeply. Married couples know this problem well, as they experience it, too — and sometimes they have several young children. But, if Grandma or Auntie takes your child to her place for a sleepover, that’s the best time for a romantic scene.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently discovered my 12-year-old son has been watching lewd content on YouTube. He’s into twerking, that dance with the bouncing butts, and other moves I don’t want to mention. It’s shocking to me just how much basically adult content is on YouTube.

Instead of trying to bar him from it, which won’t work as we’re not in the house all the times he is, I need to do something else. I feel like we’re a short distance away from his looking at actual pornography. How would you approach this?

— Horrified Mother, St. Vital

Dear Horrified: Twerking — bouncing your butt in the air while backing up close to your partner — isn’t likely to send your kid straight into a morally reprehensible life. But you can reduce viewing time by turning on YouTube’s “restricted mode” and designating what you want locked out. Also consider putting earphones in a secret spot, so kids can’t easily hide what they’re watching right in front of you.

Some kids watch endless bits on YouTube because they’re babysitting themselves, and it passes long periods of time quite quickly. You can possibly avoid the whole issue another way. Get your son involved in sports or arts activities offered through schools and community clubs.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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