Boyfriend can’t have his cake and keep you, too

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/04/2022 (1600 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Until last week I had a new boyfriend, but he was a bit strange. He wanted me to feed him dessert treats in bed from these white boxes of little cakes he keeps in his freezer.

I thought it was a bit odd, so I confessed it to a girlfriend who knows his ex-girlfriend. It turns out she works in a fancy bakery.

Lightbulb moment! I instantly felt my nose was out of joint. I refuse to be anyone’s stand-in. So, I told him what I had found out, and exactly how I felt.

He said in a strange voice. “She was a great girl — the love of my life… you know your way out.” Why did he make me feel like I was the one who did something wrong? He used me as his replacement fantasy!

— Refuse to be Stand-In, Wolseley

Dear Refuse: The ghost of this man’s lover was still lingering in the bedroom when you arrived on the scene. Understandably, it hurt you to find out you were a stand-in for a bedroom scene he enjoyed with his recent ex-girlfriend.

Sometimes a newly broken-up person is lonely and desperate to have someone — anyone. But they’re not yet emotionally free.

The advantage of “taking it slow“ with a newly single person, and staying out of the bedroom for a while, is that you have time to hear the breakup story, to find out how they’re coping and to see what can possibly develop with you, the new person.

Sometimes, the broken-hearted just need a lot of healing time, and possibly professional help. Try not to feel insulted, realizing this fellow is pretty messed up just now. Time for you to move on without bitterness.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a weird problem. I like it when my girlfriend flirts with other guys. It turns me on for some reason!

She doesn’t go off with other guys — I wouldn’t put up with that — but I love to see her dancing with them. It doesn’t tear me up that she’s twerking and then smiling backwards at them over her shoulder.

My two best buddies think I’m nuts to want to be with her, and say they’d ditch her fast. I know she likes me better than anybody else! Meanwhile, I get to dance with other girls in the place. What do you think?

— Mr. Confidence, Winnipeg

Dear Mr. Confidence: You’re very sure of yourself and your dominion in this relationship. You get to be the conquering hero at the end of the night. No doubt your girlfriend makes you feel this way when you’re finally alone.

Your buddies don’t have that feeling with their girlfriends — if they have any. They need an “all mine” feeling. That doesn’t mean you feel any less for your flirtatious girlfriend. You’re just a different kind of guy, and you two wild things understand each other.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife should have married a rich man like the men in her family, particularly her dad. I know he didn’t want her to marry a poor guy, but she was a rebel and went out and showed him.

I’m not poor anymore, but I make a comfortable middle-class income. My wife works as a teacher. Her mother and sister don’t have to work at all, as their husbands are well-educated and own businesses.

Once again, the relatives are taking the kids to the lake and the family cottage for the summer, and the men will travel up on weekends. That’s not in the cards for my family. So, I went out and rented a cabin for three weeks at a fun lake — not the family lake — because I can’t relax around that crowd.

My wife has most of the summer off. She says she’ll go with me for three weeks and then spend “a fair chunk of time“ at the family lake. That’s a punishment for me! How do we work this out? Who wins?

— Unhappy Camper, Manitoba

Dear Unhappy: It’s a partial win. Your wife and kids are coming to your choice of a three-week holiday, booked by you, without her collaboration. If you’re smart, you’ll make it a lot of fun for the whole family.

To be fair, you should also go up most weekends that your wife is at the family’s lake. Spend time entertaining your kids — giving your tired wife a rest. Watching kids all week is a full-time job at the cottage.

Next summer, your mate will want her 50 per cent say in the plans. Tip: If she and the kids have a great time at your choice of lake this summer, she won’t want to nix another similar experience, so do it up right!

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography