Moving on in past underscores your courage

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/06/2022 (1518 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m about to get divorced for the second time. My first marriage was an idiotic, youthful mistake.

My second marriage was to a wonderful man, and we had several years of happiness and two beautiful children. However, after several years of good times, it changed.

A job loss and health issues triggered my husband’s depression, and some anger issues. We managed for a few years more, but when he got violent, I took our children and left.

I don’t want to date again, but even if I did, what man would want a woman with two divorces? What do people think of women like me? I’m in therapy and working on myself, but I feel shaken in my judgement and self-worth. Any tips for getting over myself?

— Burned Twice, Winnipeg

Dear Burned Twice: How is this your fault? You’re taking on blame that isn’t yours. You don’t need do punish yourself for getting divorced twice. In this last situation, you did not stay for the violence — thank goodness.

You did what any right-minded adult and parent would do and got yourself and the kids out. If you’d stayed, it would have taught your kids some terrible lessons, and they might have settled for bad treatment in their own relationships, thinking that’s the way life is. It isn’t, and you know it, and you did what you had to do.

Congratulations on ending your relationships when they need to be ended. All you need to do is tell the truth to a new man. No loving, modern man is going to look at you and judge you.

You can have a better relationship, but you’ll have to stop beating yourself up and learn to love yourself again. The therapy you’re getting is another smart move on your part. You can do this!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: What was my family thinking? I’ve been asked by them to say the eulogy for our father. It’s for a belated service for him in our hometown in July.

Out of all my brothers and sisters, I had the worst relationship with him, to the point we were not on speaking terms in recent years.

My family is saying this would be “closure” for me, and that, if I didn’t say my goodbyes, I will have regrets. To be honest, I just don’t care.

Now my family is very upset with me and my oldest sister has given me an ultimatum: “Give Dad’s eulogy, or else.”

Or else, what? I’m the baby of the family and my sister expects she can bully me like she always did. What can I say, if anything, to help make them all understand the pain I feel?

— Or Else What? St. Boniface

Dear What: This angry threat means your older sister was probably asked to do the eulogy herself. No doubt she has her own reasons to refuse.

One of your father’s male friends — someone who actually liked him — would be a better person to say a few words. Suggest that idea when you put down your foot and speak your final words: “No, Sis, I will not do it.”

Did you know funerals can be conducted in many different ways, and that they don’t always need a eulogy? A few songs, a little history on a printed program and a light lunch can be enough. If people want to get up and tell a little story about the deceased at the reception, they can make the choice to do it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve asked my wife to stop smoking to point I’ve even broken down and begged her. I have compromised lungs now and she knows that. I could lose everything.

I’ve begged her to take her smoking outside and she says “It’s my house, too. I’ll do what I want.”

Money is not a problem for us, so I went out and bought a screened gazebo for her, for this nice weather. Of course, I won’t be out there with her. She is refusing to use it all alone. What should I do? I spend my time at home trying to dodge her and her cancer sticks.

— My Love is Burning Out, Charleswood

Dear Burning Out: What’s left to stay for? Your wife doesn’t care about your compromised lungs and the possible result for you — serious illness or worse. That doesn’t sound like love.

Frankly, I don’t know what to suggest other than breaking up, and you do seem to be losing that loving feeling for her now. If splitting up is not bearable for you at this point, consider the fact you should be able to be outside in the yard together when she’s smoking, though not in close proximity in a little gazebo. If necessary, you could wear a mask, but that seems odd.

P.S.: If readers have suggestions, please share them.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.