Don’t crank up heat too quickly with old flame

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/08/2022 (1457 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My first love has come back almost 30 years later, and wants to have another go at it. He came to my work! I laughed at him at first — but that was 10 minutes before he grabbed me, kissed me with the passion of a 20-year-old, and halfway changed my mind right then.

I haven’t felt passion like that since we were together, and our life was all about sex, drugs and music. Back then — after a year of being madly in love — we decided we were so strong as a couple that nothing could split us apart. We foolishly thought we could afford to have some “fun only” sex experiments on the side. The deal was, we could do it as long as we never stayed out all night!

It wasn’t long before it was a horror show, and we’d broken each other’s hearts. I broke his heart first with his best friend, and then he made sure he broke mine, even worse. Then he left and moved far, far away.

I guess there is something to making vows of fidelity and keeping them. We both married other people who were safer, and it was pretty good for me. I am a longtime widow and he lost his wife to illness a few years ago.

Now, he’s back, and it’s like seeing a ghost. He said he’s forgiven and forgotten, still loves me and wants to try again. What do you think?

I’ve forgiven him as well, but is his anger still secretly buried deep inside? He says he longed for me for years after he left Winnipeg, and he still had very deep feelings. God help me, I’m finding I still have them for him, too! Are we fools to try again?

— Sorely Tempted, St. Vital

Dear Tempted: You’d be fools not to try. You both learned a terrible lesson years ago, with serious consequences you’ve not forgotten, and wouldn’t repeat.

This time around, be sensible enough to date for a while to see if the love and compatibility are really there. If they are, you two need to get married and make real vows and a formal commitment to each other, this time with promises of fidelity.

You two can’t afford to fool around ever again. You need to promise that. Then you can breathe easily, and enjoy your lives together on this amazing second chance.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My new wife and I never discussed how many babies we wanted to have together and, to my shock and amazement, I just found out my bride wants to have “as many as God will give us.”

This totally freaks me out. She’s old-time Catholic from another country and it turns out she has scary baby-making beliefs. “Each new baby is another blessing from God,” she told me. “The more babies, the more blessings!”

My belief is in the higher power of contraception to make things saner for families, so they don’t end up in the poorhouse. I can’t afford to have a new baby every year, but I do want to have sex regularly!

My religion is quite OK with contraception and planned pregnancies, not to mention the vasectomy I’d like to get one day after our baby-making years are done. My wife told me just recently she really wants to be a stay-at-home mom. Surprise! What a mess we have now. Please help.

— New Husband in Shock, the Maples

Dear Shock: Talk to your wife gently about the reality of your finances and the diminishing quality of lifestyle that comes from one unplanned pregnancy after another.

If you’re both agreeable to a first child right away, you can drop that conversation for a time — until after the first baby arrives and your wife is feeling tired from night feedings and changings. Then you may be able to reason with her, and one or both of you can use some birth control so she can recover her energy before getting pregnant with a second baby.

It will also be time for a talk about how many children might be manageable once she knows how it feels to work day and night with a baby. At what point in family-building would you need extra money coming in? Would she also need paying work outside the home to help support more kids?

Once you’ve had a few children, you may desire that vasectomy and she just might be OK with it. Talk it all over openly, but gently. People can change their minds (on both sides of an issue) when given all the information on an emotional matter, but not if they’re force-fed.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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