Try to suss out origins of hurtful allegations

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This article was published 23/08/2022 (1504 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: A lifelong friend of 50 years has accused me of dallying with her husband, who’s deceased now. She says this occurred sometime when our children were young. I did no such thing, and I’m hurt she’d even imagine I would be capable of this deception.

Her husband obviously can’t back me up. We haven’t spoken since she broke this news to me last November. What should I do?

— Unjustly Accused, Manitoba

Dear Accused: You need to insist on talking to her, so you can get this off your mind. It can’t get much worse by talking, since you’re already guilty in her eyes. So go and see her, if she’ll let you in the door. If not, phone her or write to her.

In the meantime, treat it like a mystery to solve. Who put this idea in her head in the first place? Did someone who doesn’t like her (or doesn’t like you) feed her this story? Did that person have a passion for her husband herself and want his widow to feel her husband didn’t love her?

It’s highly unlikely her husband told her he’d been cheating with you if he hadn’t — or even if he had! So, who else had something to gain by promoting this falsehood?

Try not to let this accusation get to you. You’re innocent, so don’t let yourself suffer. There’s always the possibility that your former friend, who must be in her 70s or 80s now, has had a lifelong suspicion that her husband desired you, and her mind turned it into an actual affair.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m with a great guy right now, and it’s only been two months that we’ve been chatting and seeing each other. We have had three dates in person over that time, which might seem odd, but we spent the first month getting to know each other online. The weird part is he’s already telling me he loves me.

I don’t feel that way, and he always asks why I don’t say it back. I just wonder if he was raised differently. Some of my friends worry he is pushing things too fast and might take advantage of me — my family is wealthy. What should I do here?

— Love Too Soon, East Kildonan

Dear Love Too Soon: Do your friends know the man? Maybe they need to meet him so they can actually judge if he’s after your money. One thing is for sure: he’s certainly pushing things with the early “love” declarations, but that’s not important if you don’t feel that way and are going to let him go.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just feel gutted right now. My second wife and I are in our late 30s. My kids live elsewhere with their mom. Last night my wife and I had a romantic dinner, which I prepared. After a wonderful meal and a bottle of wine, she decided to tell me she’s interested in swinging and knows this couple…

I am absolutely not interested in that, and my feelings are incredibly hurt! She wants to have sex with other men, and is trying to pacify me with the idea I can have sex with other women? I don’t want that. Could a couple even recover from something like this?

— Swinging Nightmare, West Kildonan

Dear Nightmare: When one person in a new swinging couple is not into it, things are guaranteed to go badly. The potential for drama, over-imbibing, insecurity, jealousy and the resultant misery is very high. A desire for revenge can also be a result of that emotional mess.

Seasoned swingers don’t want to be part of these volatile situations. Not that it matters in your situation, because you’re not going to join in the swinging to find out anyway.

Your wife, who wants to drag you into swinging, is only thinking of her own adventure, not your feelings. You probably couldn’t recover from it, though maybe her feelings are cooler, and she could.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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