A bit of sweet reassurance can ease ‘crowding’

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/01/2023 (1323 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve always been a very private person, valuing my personal space and autonomy. But I recently got married to someone. She’s my complete opposite — a lovable, easygoing chatterbox, or so I thought.

Since the wedding, my spouse has become insecure and is constantly asking me what I’m thinking and feeling. She’s following me around the house like a puppy. She says she just wants us to be close and connected. We certainly are, and it feels like she wants to own all of me and my private thoughts. Oh boy!

I’ve tried to communicate my boundaries, but she doesn’t seem to understand. Now, I’m suffocating and at a loss for words — and have started going out for drives just to be alone.

— Choking On Intimacy, East Kildonan

Dear Choking: You need to know that lots of married people get on each other’s nerves if they’re at home alone together too much. That’s when they start asking about each other’s thoughts — which can be annoying.

Consider this sweet response: “My mind is just wandering — some unimportant thoughts are drifting through, but nothing bad where you’re concerned, my darling!” That addresses her unspoken fear about losing you, now that she’s so happy to have you as her husband. (She’s just “thought-checking” to make sure that isn’t happening.)

So, generously ladle out your sweet remarks to her. She’ll love it, and breathe easier. Also, tell her you don’t have to agree on everything to be in a great marriage because you think that would be “so boring!” You will probably hear a relieved “whew!”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in my 30s, and I’ve dated — but I’ve never had a serious relationship lasting past a few months. All my friends are getting married and starting families, and I’m falling way behind. I’ve tried dating apps, and also even asking friends to set me up, but I always seem to end up alone.

I’m starting to feel like there’s something wrong with me, and it’s affecting my self-esteem. I know I’m a kind and caring person, though a little shy. I have a professional job I love, and lots to offer, but just can’t seem to find someone who sees that.

I hear I’m good-looking, and I do have a crazy sense of humour — but I’m definitely awkward with women. In the middle of the night I wonder, “Will I be alone forever?” Do you have any advice for me on how to meet someone and start a relationship this year?

— Longing for Real Love, Winnipeg

Dear Longing: If you never do this again, you absolutely must meet a big volume of people in 2023! That means joining at least a few different groups this winter, with people who share your natural interests. It may seem like a lot take on, but it can be fun and it works.

If you have a soft spot for pets, start volunteering at an animal shelter; if you’re interested in a sport, try to get involved in a fun, recreational league. If you enjoy singing, Winnipeg is full of choirs who want to add new people, even in the middle of the year. Love the great outdoors? Volunteer at a nature centre. Do worthy causes and charity work call out to you? Volunteering Winnipeg has a website with many listings (volunteeringwinnipeg.ca/nonprofit-organizations).

The whole point is to increase your contact with others who share similar interests with you — common ground can be a great ice-breaker, especially for a shy guy. So get active!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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