Close ‘hotel’ to defend family from bully in-law

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This article was published 21/02/2023 (1300 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My mother-in-law regularly drives to Winnipeg with her gambling buddies to go to the casino. Instead of kicking in her share for the hotel, she insists on staying at our house, and saving her cash for gambling. I hate it! She’s rude, boastful, aggressive and manipulative — especially when she’s been drinking.

Also, she gets a big kick out of bullying me in front of my wife, who’s scared of her. Every time she visits, my wife deflates like a balloon and lets Mama say whatever she wants. For instance, she loves to tease and insult my hair, clothing, complexion, nose size, intelligence, job, manliness and pretty much anything else. I’ve tried telling her off, but she swears profusely when she’s been drinking, and I hate for our little kids to hear that. She won’t shut up until she passes out snoring in our spare room.

I’m at my wit’s end. After her mother leaves, my wife always asks me, “Why do you make such a big deal of things?” What the heck does my wife mean, when Mom has her in tears every visit? I love my wife, but when she doesn’t defend me, I feel like I’m all alone. What can I do?

— Husband on the Defensive, Transcona

Dear Defensive: Dismantle the spare bedroom which your mother-in-law has come to see as her free hotel room! Since neither you nor your wife are strong enough to handle this bully alone, together you must make it physically impossible for mean Mama to stay at your home. Turn it into a playroom with lot of toys and little kids’ furniture, but nothing that can be used as an adult bed.

Next time your mother-in-law calls to say she’s coming to town, tell her the guest room has already been turned into a playroom, and that she’ll need to stay with her friends at a hotel. If she demands to talk to her daughter, tell her: “No point. We’ve already made the change.” Don’t hand the phone to your wife for the verbal beating she would no doubt get. Just say a firm, “Bye for now!” and hang up.

By the way, stop calling your mother-in-law “Mom” or “Mama” as it implies she has a position of authority over you. Just address her by her first name — adult to adult.

As for your wife asking why you make such a big deal of things, denial of her mother’s verbal violence was likely her biggest defence mechanism, growing up. She’d probably try to think happier thoughts to block out the horrible words, and she may have told herself, “Nothing matters, nothing matters, nothing matters.” That’s how some abuse victims cope.

It’s time your wife stopped being her mother’s victim — but she really needs your help. You must start blocking this abuser, and stand up for your little family. When your beloved sees you can finally handle her mother and keep her safe, she’ll also become stronger and bolder in dealing with her mother.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently saw a guy from work at a social event with his adult son. He was obviously pleased to see me, and said hello, but he introduced me as “an old friend” (an obvious lie) and then winked at me over his kid’s head. We chatted away and then his wife arrived with drinks, looked at me hard and said, “And who might this be?” Again, he said, “An old friend” And she said, “I’ll bet!” and gave me a dirty look. I took off abruptly. Why did she say that?

— Totally Innocent, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Innocent: People can often sense an electric interaction, and sometimes from a distance. His wife may have been watching you two for a few minutes, and spotted her man winking at you over his son’s head. He may be the type who always flirts when an attractive woman comes into his space.

If his wife knew you two actually work at the same place, maybe he thought there could have been a fight. So, Mr. Flirtatious probably told himself his lie to his son and wife was damage control. Watch out for this mover at your workplace, as he’s definitely trouble.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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