‘Alpha’ attraction just not working in long run

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/03/2023 (1297 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I used to be married to a man, but now — much later on — I’m married to a woman. It isn’t turning out to be any easier. I’m just realizing I married the same type of human being. Even though the physical sex with my female partner is more to my liking, she is turning out to be just as pushy and dominant as my ex-husband.

I was really annoyed when my grown son pointed out she even looks like my ex-husband, who is his father. OK, I have to admit she is also tall and slim, with a “strong” nose, green eyes and long black hair, in a pony tail.

“So what?” I said, but it bothered me. My kid also pointed out I had the same complaint about both my partners — that we always had to do what they wanted to do! Yep, he’s right. So what’s wrong with me? They both seemed like the perfect partner for me in the beginning, but now I’m getting bossed around once again. I feel so tired and mixed up. Help, please.

— Grinding My Gears, West Kildonan

Dear Grinding: There are attractive and unattractive sides to all personality types. You seem to fall in love with the attractive behaviours of dominant types. That’s not surprising. Dominants have lots of ideas for activities, are often generous with time, money and gifts, and they exhibit a lot of energy — sexual and otherwise. Also, they’re usually willing to do more than half the work to get projects happening.

Partners like you often act as their enthusiastic helpers — until they get tired of being the fan club, and always doing what the dominant wants to do. Sometimes they fall into this kind of reaction — pointing out all the faults in their partner’s plans, even if they don’t have any of their own.

It’s time to get out of your pattern. You’ll need to push yourself to be a stronger player, and stop letting yourself fall in love with another “star of the game” type person. It’s time to try your luck with a slightly shyer person than you are, and learn to share leadership.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recent found out about a family secret. I woke up feeling kind of scared one night and heard my mother and my grandma talking out in the kitchen. So, I laid down on the rug in the hallway with my blanket, and listened in.

I come from a look-alike family, so I never guessed this secret: My oldest sister is not my real sister. She came from another part of the family. We have grown up together in our big family and none of us kids ever knew anything. I snuck back to bed.

I’m trying to sit on this secret now, but it’s killing me! I don’t even know if my older sister knows, but I can’t keep it to myself much longer. Who should I talk to — my mother who will be very upset, or my grandma? I’m thinking Gran would be the easiest.

— Knowing the Family Secret, Manitoba

Dear Knowing: This is a matter of loyalty, so talk to your mother first. Tell her the secret you heard the night you woke up, and were coming to find her. Then wait for her to talk, and be patient. Let her explain what she can. That may not be a whole lot, depending on how old you are now.

Still, you should also ask if your sister knows about her parentage, and how that is to be handled, and why. It could be a secret that would really hurt her to know.

By the way, if you only talk to your grandmother, then you’ll be holding a big secret behind your mother’s back. That’s not a healthy situation for you and your mom. You need to be able to ask her your questions, and feel the comfort of her private answers and her love.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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