Time for sober second thought over reformed ex

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This article was published 23/03/2023 (1234 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I can’t believe it! My love is alive again for my former husband, but I already have a new man.

My first husband finally got sober and has just recently gone back to being the same sweetheart of a guy I first married. That would have been a dream come true — a few years ago. I finally had to leave him for being an “incurable drunk,” but I guess he proved me wrong.

After we split up, I ran into a great guy who said he’d always had his eye on me. He’s sober, intelligent, fun and sexy. I was so refreshed by this man, I dated him for several months, and now he’s asked me to move in.

Then word got back to my ex. Now he’s communicating every way he can, and won’t leave me alone. He’s even leaving love songs as phone messages! He is sober now, and acting like the man I loved so passionately and married.

He is just asking to be my “friend.” However, I know he’s just saying that to get a foot in the door. I really don’t know what to do, because I don’t know how long he’ll stay sober. I love both my men in different ways, but I don’t trust my ex not to drink again. Still, I’ve got to give him credit, and he’s pulling every string to get back in my life now. My new man is very sweet and kind, and would be totally trustworthy for life. He doesn’t even like drinking, other than an occasional beer. What do you think?

— Torn Between Two Lovers, Transcona

Dear Torn: It’s too soon to know if your ex-husband will fall off the wagon. The biggest test will be if he can stay sober without winning you back. Can he stay sober if there’s no reward except sobriety itself? If he gets you back right away, when his sobriety is still novel, he might slip back to his “liquid love.”

As for this new man, you obviously admire him, but it does not sound like a deep love match. It’d be a mistake to marry him in reaction to your ex-husband’s personality. Consider letting the new man go, and seeing how long your ex-husband’s sobriety can last, without getting back together with you. Once you feel he can handle staying sober for good, that could be the time to rededicate yourselves to each other.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a sexy new girlfriend (age 26), but she’s not my steady partner. She’s into “alternative sex” with more than just me. I am 22. I know it’s kind of crazy wanting her so much, but when she calls me up at night, there’s no doubt I’m going over there like a shot. She only lives a couple of blocks away, and I run it. A visit to her is like 30 nights with someone else!

She is a dominant, and she’s beautiful to look at. She likes to do all kinds of experiments with me, but she makes me wait too long between invitations. Last night I lost control and called her, and she gave me an ice-cold reception. She said, “I, and only I, am the one who calls. You are the one who must wait!”

I was very hurt and embarrassed by that. I’ve done nothing but try to please her. I don’t know what to do now. Please help.

— Her Slave, St. Boniface

Dear Slave: For her, the sessions with you are not about caring or warmth. They’re about power and dominance, and about you pleasing her physically — if and when she wants you. You are just there to serve.

If you want to play occasional power games, you’re better off finding a real girlfriend who loves and cares for you, but sometimes likes to experiment a little with power games. The rest of the time, your relationship could be about loving and pleasing one another.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wonderful grandmother has money, and I go over to her house and help her out a lot. I do some housework and help her with shovelling and gardening. Both my parents work full time and my older sister has already left home. It is so boring and lonely at home that I hate it there most of the time.

Anyway, my Gran gives me money and says: “No need to tell anyone. Just put it away, because you’ll need it one day.”

Well, I think I need it now! Graduation is coming and I want to buy this amazing dress I found, and it costs a lot. I have enough to pay for it with my savings at my grandma’s house. How do I tell my parents I have my own money saved over there?

— Hoping to Buy My Own Grad Dress, South Winnipeg

Dear Hoping: Perhaps Grandma could ask your parents if she could buy your graduation dress this spring. She can tell your folks you’ve done hundreds of dollars worth of cleaning, gardening and snow shovelling — and this would be your reward. She can tell them it’s already tucked away in a special place.

Your parents still might refuse, and if they do, you can use it when you need special things, or you even use it to help out with college tuition or other training after high school. Grandma wants it be your reward money — as it’s well-earned — and there are many good ways to spend it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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