Ease family awkwardness with empathy, humour

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 24/03/2023 (1268 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I found my mother’s musty old diary in the basement with the lock broken (Yay!). I read it all the way through. I found out she and my dad started having sex when they were only 17 and 18, and the next year, they had me. They lived together in a tiny little place, supported by both sets of parents. Then, when my young dad had a full-time job, they moved out into a bigger apartment to raise me.

For some reason, my parents didn’t get married until they were around 23, and I was starting grade school. When I was younger, I kept asking how old they were when they made me, and they’d just say something like, “Figure it out!” or “It doesn’t matter. You’re loved!”

I already knew that. I think they just had the idea I might do the same dumb thing they did! It’s the opposite. I don’t want to be a teenager having a baby. Still, they act as though talking about their pregnancy would encourage me to get pregnant. I don’t even have a steady boyfriend yet! How can I stop them from being so embarrassingly awkward about all this? It just annoys me!

— Not a Dummy, Fort Richmond

Dear Not a Dummy: Spell it out for your mom, or write it in a letter. Tell her the awkwardness and the hints make you feel embarrassed, and make you wonder if you were actually wanted, or if you messed up their young lives. Also add that you have no intention of repeating their “mistake.”

To lighten things up at the end, say you’ll be “protected up to the armpits and on birth control” before you and any boyfriend might want to have sex.

That may be too much information for your mother to take in, but she’ll laugh a little, and it’ll help her stop worrying so much.

Also, tell her with a smile that if she wants grandchildren in her future, she’s going to have to change her tune one day. That may be enough to make her let go of some of her fears.

It wasn’t easy for her to be pregnant so young and she just doesn’t want things to be as difficult for you. Tell her you’re beginning to understand how she must have felt as a pregnant teenage girl. Mutual understanding can make for closer relationships between parents and their maturing “kids.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m just getting over a broken engagement. I hate all women now. I know I shouldn’t hold every other woman at fault for what my fiancée did, but I do. She’s in Vancouver “sleeping with” a guy I know, and revelling in the party life — or so I’ve heard. I wish them both the worst!

So why is she with this jerk? I was good enough to her. Not bad, anyway. At least I was better than I was to any other girlfriend I’ve had.

— Burning Up, East Kildonan

Dear Burning: As a boyfriend, you’ve given yourself a below-average grade. That’s not good enough to hold onto a young woman. If you want a partner to dedicate herself to you, and feel real love for you, that treatment is not going to be enough. Other guys will always be able to swipe your girlfriends!

You need professional help to resolve your angry and distrustful feelings toward women. Then you’ll have a much better chance of finding a mutual, trusting love relationship. If you want to change this situation, you’re going to have to change your thoughts and feelings about women. That’s very hard to do on your own. A new woman is not going to be the “fix” for this problem.

Talk to your doctor about seeing a psychiatrist (covered by provincial health) or you could see a psychologist, for a fee. Your work may have group insurance that would pay for part or all of that, for a time, so check it out. Make counselling a priority this year, so you can find a woman who loves you, and so you’ll be able to treat her so well she doesn’t ever want to leave you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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