Using ailing mom as alibi signals deeper issues

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This article was published 05/10/2023 (1088 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband and I have been trying to start a family, but recently he’s started using condoms again. I asked him why and he said, “My mom is really sick. Let’s wait a while to make a baby. Anyway, I’m working a ton of overtime right now because our life is so expensive.”

What? The two of us make good money!

Lately he’s been coming home late, like 8 or 9 p.m. He claims he’s busy going over to his mother’s a lot now that she’s ill. It sounded like a lie to me. I called his mom, who has never been my friend. She said, “My lousy son hasn’t been over to see me for three weeks!”

I don’t even feel like I’m married anymore. I’m afraid to suggest marriage counselling, because I don’t think he’d even go.

He absolutely refuses to talk to me about anything, not even where he disappears to. He doesn’t smell like he’s been drinking but he is not willing to talk about it. What should I do?

— Feeling Terrible, Whyte Ridge

Dear Feeling Terrible: Since your husband is obviously pulling away from the baby-making plan, be aware that condoms don’t always work. You need to add protection from your side as well, until your life stabilizes and you are with the right man. He may not be the one.

This situation certainly has the smell of an affair, or even a sex-buddy situation.

But it could also be an addiction that keeps him busy for several hours after work. People who are in a personal mess — such as a marriage that’s falling apart — sometimes get buried in some form of addiction, and gambling or VLTs are easier to hide than drugs and alcohol. He has mentioned life has become more expensive.

Whatever you do, be aware that building up the nerve to talk to your husband and ask the questions that need to be asked is preferable to doing anything more dramatic.

However, if he refuses to talk openly, you may want to put up some money for some detective work — somebody your husband has never met and wouldn’t recognize at any distance.

Just don’t try this yourself! You should not be tailing your husband with a friend and riding along in a vehicle, not even in the back seat. It’s not a game, and people can lose their common sense at the point of discovering what’s going on.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a woman and have had many girlfriends and a few boyfriends over the years. If you need to label me, I guess I’m bisexual but lean closer to lesbian. I usually only fall in love with women, though I have had a few good relationships with men.

My problem is, my latest lover is a wonderful man, and he really wants to marry me. I’m not excited about marriage, but he lives in a rural community and it’d be best for him in all ways once we are living there together.

Do I love him? Unexpectedly, yes I do but I don’t know how long that’d last if I were to meet a new and wonderful woman. What should I do?

— Tempted But Unsure, West End

Dear Tempted: People shouldn’t marry unless both of them really want to, as it will cause a hurtful imbalance.

You’d be in the stronger position, caring somewhat less and being less committed. So give it more time, and see if your feelings deepen to the point where marriage would feel great for you and you could get right into it.

If that doesn’t happen, you need to be honest and set this man free.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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