Focus on positives of mate’s ‘non-affair’

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I have been happily married for almost 19 years, or so I thought. I recently found out she attempted to have a fling with another man a few years ago, and the guy rejected her. This revelation has completely changed the way I look back at our relationship.

I just can’t get her behaviour out of my head, but my wife thinks it’s no big deal. She says I’m overreacting because she didn’t actually “do” anything with that guy.

Am I really overreacting, Miss L.? How can I move past her denying this attempt at betraying me — even if she didn’t succeed?

— Can’t Stop Obsessing, St. James

Dear Obsessing: It was a failed attempt and hurray for that!

In the course of your marriage, were you never attracted to another woman? Perhaps you slammed on the brakes because you loved your marriage more, or the new woman just wasn’t attracted enough to you to go ahead.

So, what beside good looks was your wife reacting to at the time she attempted to have her fling long ago? The answer to that question could help you both find understanding. You might want help from a relationship counsellor.

The hopeful part of this situation is the fact your wife did not stray, even if she was feeling angry or turned off from you at the time. That’s a strong vote for your marriage.

In the course of a marriage, there’s likely to be some temptation on both sides. The healthy reaction to finding out about one of these occasions should be a smile and, “Whew, I’m glad you didn’t cheat. I would have hated to break up with you!”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wild son has gone off into the blue yonder to a summer resort where he’s working. I’m worried some of the female guests will go after my son, as he’s tall and handsome and he’s, frankly, stupid about women!

I told my husband I slipped a big box of quality condoms into his luggage before he left home. He shuddered and said, “Jeez, Louise! Don’t encourage him!” Was I wrong to do that?

— Protective Mom, southern Manitoba

Dear Protective Mom: Don’t bother to debate with your husband on gifting your son supplies to protect himself and the women he sees while he’s away. And, don’t mention it to others in the family, as juicy gossip about sex tends to get around fast. Protection is a good thing, and that’s that. Just keep it private.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Last night before finally going to sleep, my new girlfriend, whom I thought might be “the one” for me, sighed deeply and murmured, “I love you, Ronny.”

I am not Ronny. I do know who that idiot is, though. He’s her old boyfriend, and he recently got married to a different woman. Now what? I know it may be silly but I’m feeling hurt and betrayed that she’s still dreaming out him.

— Her New Guy, For Now, North End

Dear New Guy: Too bad people can’t turn off the volume before dreaming, so they don’t wake current partners with words they don’t want to hear.

Unfortunately, those words may not represent how they feel about their new partner at all, and it’s more like they’re re-running an old movie. Maybe your new girlfriend was just dreaming about old times — so try to be understanding.

People can’t program their own dreams, as you know. Someday you may need a woman to be understanding about some of your steamy dreams, where she’s not the starring “femme fatale.”

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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