Why aim to please those who loved you least?

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Mother’s Day was confusing as usual since my birth mother was so mean to me as a young child that my dad got custody. Then there was his second wife, my stepmother — another bad choice by him, and violent too.

So he and I both ended up living with his mom. She was nice and worked hard to undo the hurt I had suffered.

My dad always loved me, but he was weak, with bad taste in people.

My question is now that I’m finally a happily married woman (a big miracle) and have my own kids, can I just forget about humouring people on Mother’s Day, except my grandmother, who has been my biggest supporter?

— Survivor of Violence, St. Boniface

Dear Survivor: You don’t owe anybody who was not a loving mother figure a card, present or phone call on Mother’s Day. It’s time to start keeping it honest and feeling free — no more struggling to be polite.

As for honouring your dad, that may be a different story, although he definitely didn’t provide mother-like stability with most of his female choices.

“You loving you” is what is really needed, as well as some counselling. If you have children, they might want to be included in some of it as well. It’s time to make an appointment to iron it out as best you can.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We had a great time on Mother’s Day with our first child, who is three, but my husband and I are sitting on a big secret. We are expecting again, and it’s twins.

This feels like too big a secret to keep quiet, but if we tell our child, she’s going to ask us a hundred times every single day when the baby is coming.

My husband wants to tell our daughter, but I’m saying it’s too soon. What if we lost the babies? There are many months to go.

— Not Anxious to Reveal Secret, St. James

Dear Not Anxious: If your husband needs to share this secret with somebody because he is bursting, then it would be better to tell a buddy who won’t be coming by frequently.

Telling your little girl too soon could be a calamity if anything happened with the pregnancy.

Decide with your doctor when it’s safe to tell your daughter. Even if the end of the pregnancy goes perfectly, she’s going to be at you for info. She might ask you every single day when her siblings are coming because time stretches out much longer for young children.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I slapped my boyfriend’s face when I was mad at him, and now he won’t talk to me. I have tried to apologize every way I can — messaging, phoning and in person — but he tells me we’re finished. He still has a mark on his face.

Yesterday I called his mother (who has always been very nice to me) to apologize. She said, “You crossed the line with my son and also with me.” Then she gave me a lecture and hung up.

What’s the big deal? He loves me. I just hit him once. Plus, he deserved it for calling up my best friend up behind my back and flirting with her. What can I do to get him back?

— Not Giving Up, North Kildonan

Dear Not Giving Up: You and this boyfriend are finished. You don’t deserve him back. You had no business hitting him. It’s a violent act, and this kind of behaviour can get you into trouble with the law.

What you really need to do is apologize and mean it if you haven’t already. Also, talk to your mom about getting some counselling around this — possibly through your school or an outside counselling service.

But the main thing is to leave this boy alone from now on. You crossed the line and could get yourself in trouble by harassing him.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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